Sometimes I feel like it's not a good idea to compare life to video games. In this case I think it's appropriate. I think I've honed my taunt skill, and now I'm not prepared to deal with the consequences.
One time I got cited for being "full of crap." My fine for this infraction was a series of spankings. Obviously I *am* full of crap, so in this situation it's only natural for me to taunt whoever is administering my punishment... which only leads to hand-shaped welts that last for days and days.
Lately I've been feeling like, even though most things that happen to (and around) me are completely out of my control, I still manage to make them worse sometimes. Not on purpose, but because of my nature. Something in me that makes me worry about stuff when I absolutely shouldn't worry, and then I feel like I brought it upon myself when bad things happen. Kind of like when that idiot Jim Bockman (names have been changed to protect the stupid) told Necca that she causes herself to get into car accidents.
It probably doesn't help that when faced with a stressful situation, my reaction is to switch straight to logic and abandon any and all of my emotions. "What needs to happen to move things forward?" "What is the first step to making this better?" Worrying the whole time that I'm going to make things worse somehow. Then, as soon as the stress-causing situation is resolved, I lose my composure and turn into a blubbering infant. It kind of makes the whole ordeal last twice as long. Usually by the time I start blubbering, I've got nobody but myself to pick up the pieces of me.
So now I'm starting to wonder if my worrying really does bring these things upon me. As the song goes, "Drama doesn't follow me, it rides on my back." I don't feel like I'm a high-drama kind of girl, but damn if I'm not pitched face first into some highly dramatic situations on a pretty regular basis.
Don't get me wrong, it could also have a lot to do with my willingness to help out a friend in need. I'm sure plenty of people see these kind of situations brewing and run the hell away. I feel like it's important to me to provide any help I possibly can to a friend who needs it. Isn't that what friends are for? Am I the only one who feels this way?
Anyway, my main question here is, at the resolution of this sort of situation, I often feel the need to scream into the heavens, and at the earth and everything around me. I just want to stop and yell until I can't anymore. I don't think there's anyone or anything out there that will answer, but I'm still tempted to lash out at the universe around me. Sometimes I do. This time I didn't, even though I wanted to. Do I bring these things upon myself? Is this what it's like to have your universe rise to the occasion when you taunt it?
Is that all you've got? Fuckin' bring it on then. I'm still standing.
Currently listening: The Same Old Blood Rush with a New Touch By Cute Is What We Aim For
Release date: 20 June, 2006
