Saturday, December 22, 2007

Potential New Apartment!!

The pictures aren't great, but I was being sneaky. Cross your fingers
for me!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Two Ones or One Nine

Cold here.
Cold and dark.
A soft glow has gone.

Press on, but it's not the same.
Lights don't dance for me.
The sky has changed.

Do you gaze like I do?
Pale face in the heavens.
Does it call to you?
Chilled tears alight on your face.
Could you know they're mine?

Tonight the sun burns out.
That look, will I see it again?
Sparkle and shine, between smiles.
Mirrored eyes, I see no regrets.

Questions half answered.
The truth or the lie?
A move in the darkness.
A pledge in the light.
An art in the silence.
A laugh, and a sigh.

A spiders thread.
Can it bind the unbound?

Move aside my subtle armor.
I'll destroy me if I must.
I'll adore me if I must.
I'll console me.

If I must.

Image courtesy of Matt Hoffman

Currently listening:
Mad World
By Gary Jules
Release date: 12 January, 2004

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Shoes and Ships and Sealing Wax

All ways are my way.

(Insert obligatory apology here. This may not make much sense.)

I've been doing far too much thinking lately... again. There are a few things I should be writing, which are not random myspace blogs full of angst, but instead I choose to spend the last half of my lunch today rambling about nothingness. You don't have to read it. You're the star of your own movie, all ways are your way.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this really. My head is so full of things swimming back and forth terrorizing me a snippet at a time.

My family. I love them, (Well, most of them. You know who you are.) but sometimes I just can't handle being the "strong" one anymore. I have these nuclear meltdowns that make me feel like I should abandon everyone and go live in a cave. I simultaneously love and hate the feeling of being needed by them. It's like, I'd gladly do anything to help them out, and I'm glad that they come to me when they need it, but at the same time, the emotional strain they place on me makes me feel like there's no way I'm a good choice for emotional support. Is it really possible to be strong enough for others when you feel so weak?

My friends. I really don't know what I'd do without my friends. When I get that "hide in a cave" feeling, I can almost guarantee you that one of the first five people I'd text or call would gladly listen to me cry and whine about nothing until I felt better. I'd do the same for any of them, in a heartbeat, so why do I feel guilty burdening my friends with my problems? I don't feel like its a burden to me to listen when they need it, why do I automatically assume it's a burden to them?

The real question: why are these two scenarios different? Why is it that I feel worn so thin sometimes after trying to help my family, but with friends I just feel glad to be able to listen and possibly help? Why is it that I would cry my eyes out to my mom at the drop of a hat (although not expect her to entirely understand) but it's a rare occasion for a friend to see me cry?

Then there's this other thing bothering me... They always say "When it rains, it pours." I find this to be true so often, and yet I never expect it, ever. There's this whole concept of "want" that I'm struggling with. Everybody wants to be wanted. Everybody, in some way. So what makes it different when its one person instead of another? Why is it that it matters who? Why does my brain determine that want from one angle would make me happy, but from another, it's totally creepy? Why does it always seem to be that the kind I want is the kind I probably won't ever have?

I keep so many secrets. It's sort of my nature to do so. So why does it make me feel so empty when I realize that nobody really knows me all that intimately? Even the longest relationship I've ever had... I can guarantee you there are plenty of things he didn't know about me, and still doesn't, because I wanted it that way. I distance myself on purpose. What is it that makes me so afraid to share things with people I trust? Maybe it's that I don't trust myself enough to determine who, outside of my head, is trustworthy enough? Does that even make any sense?

Why does any of it even matter? Why can't I talk myself out of having emotions? Maybe I should move to Africa and purify water for pot-bellied babies for the rest of my life.

Currently listening: Karma Police, CD 1 By Radiohead
Release date: 25 September, 2000

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