I've been having a rough time with things lately. I think I tend to internalize it pretty well, which probably only serves to make the people who are around me often think that I'm a total nutcase, or a braggart. I'm not sure which I'd think I was if I wasn't me.
Tonight as I was driving home from a fantastical hot date I got to thinking about complainers. (People who complain...) I think I'm a bit of a complainer. I don't know if that's any better than some of the alternatives, I mean, I've been annoyed recently at a whole assortment of *ers. My *ers phenomenon will have to wait for a different blog, I don't have enough energy for that size rant at the moment.
Anyway, I started to wonder if people think I complain about some things because I'm trying to brag. I'm not comfortable with that idea, especially considering that ever since the week before I left for Burning Man I've been basically in a suspended state of panic 24/7. (Oddly enough, this state of panic disappeared the moment my boots touched the playa, and returned the moment I stepped out of Celeste's vehicle onto Santa Cruz pavement.)
I had a familiar feeling creep up on me this (and last) week. Something I haven't felt hit me this hard since back in high school. The panic. I let it set in. I had a little anxiety attack followed by what I'd like to think of as an anxiety ripple. It seems that when I start to panic, I start to spew out the reasons why I'm freaking out to anybody who is unfortunate enough to listen. In this case, I'm having issues dealing with the stress of a ton of fun things on my calendar so every time I look at the thing, I start to lose it.
Why stress over a ton of fun things, you ask? Well, this time last year I was struggling with something entirely different. The thing I was struggling with then was the EXACT opposite of what I'm facing now. I don't know what it is exactly. I think it has something to do with the fact that I feel responsible for myself. I feel like I have to attend and participate at all of these things, and make sure I don't contribute to anybody having a bad time. This means I need to be prepared, take care of myself, and make sure I don't let anybody down. I know probably nobody else sees things from this perspective so I bet now I sound more like a nutcase than anything, but really that's the stuff my brain dreams up, and it's what gets me through each day, so I'm not very good at silencing it.
What I've been doing the last few days isn't really very good for me either. I noticed I started trying to turn in, trying to hide. I can't use hiding as my mechanism for dealing with this kind of stress. On the same note, I can't use whining so I need to just cut that out right now.
Just so anyone who reads this and may have plans with me over the next few months is fully aware:
Whatever we have planned, I planned with you because I want to do it. Unless I have a very valid and prove-able reason why I can't do whatever it is we planned to do, you should not, under any circumstances, let me cancel on you. (Unless its something you don't actually want to do, and in that case, I'll leave it up to you.)
So in closing, I'm sorry if I sound like a complete ass, I don't intend to, and please reprimand me if I continue. That is all.
Currently listening: In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3 By Coheed & Cambria
Release date: 22 June, 2004