From the mobile desk of Tk

Polish Review - Blue Me Away!

2011-07-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

Sally Hansen's Xtreme Wear nail color in Blue Me Away! #04

Blue Me Away! is a rich and vibrant creme color, and an active member of the extreme wear family. Rocking this bright blue always gets me in a good mood. I think among my blueish polishes, this one is definitely my favorite. It even has it's own nickname, which I can't say is true about any other color in my arsenal. This, my friends, is my Tron blue.

...and now for the scoring part. I think any review needs some sort of score, and scores should be fun, so here goes... The Finger Scale!

On a scale of one (I'll let you guess which one) to ten (ALL IN!) fingers, I give Blue Me Away!:

Cost: 10 fingers - I picked this color up on sale, buy one get one 50% off, original price $2.99. Can't beat that deal! Okay, I guess you could, but you don't really need to.

Coverage: 9 fingers - It went on and covered well in one coat, though two looked much more uniform. The paint tends to separate in the bottle, but blends back together easily and glides on smoothly.

Wear: 10 fingers - Blue Me Away! definitely lives up to the long wearing promise of this line of polishes.

Clean-up: 6 fingers - I use acetone polish remover, and it took 4 total cotton pads to clean up. My finger tips were a bit more blueish than I would like, but that all came off in the shower.

Color: 10 fingers - I got exactly what I expected. A brilliant blue that matches the bottle color.

Final Score: 9 fingers!

Always a draft, never a post

2011-07-06T17:51:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you all how many drafts I have started and saved for a later that has yet to come. "Free time" was starting to seem like a mythical concept.

The next chapter of my life begins on Tuesday. I believe this chapter, unlike the one coming to a close, will have time for things other than work and sleep. Maybe even time for things I've started and not finished, things I've let fall behind, and people I haven't done a good job keeping up with.

Here's to new opportunities, and to hope for the future!

How To Breakfast

2011-02-09T18:23:00.001-08:00

Soft Boiled Egg Toasty Sammich

Ingredients:

1 egg

2 slices of toast

salt

pepper

hot sauce

I left out the peeling of the egg step, hopefully people realize you don't want to eat egg shells.

Autoharp Funtimes

2011-02-03T19:49:00.000-08:00

I've learned a lot about my autoharp over the last couple days. Mostly just by reading about them online, but also by spending time getting to know my way around the instrument.

We had a check-up at Lightning Joe's today, where I was given the good news that not only is it in good playing condition, it actually needs no work (other than tuning) before it can be played! I was a little worried because some of the tuning pins have a bit of rust on them, and the strings look old and like they've not been played in ages. I should be able to get by with it how it is now, and I know what maintenance to expect soon. Another plus -- a full set of strings doesn't cost anything near what I expected -- so in case that's my first related expense, it shouldn't stop me from playing.

Autoharp, meet Lighting Joe's shop.

Lightning Joe seemed to imply that tuning one of these things is quite a challenge, in an effort to get me to not ask him to tune it. I don't care! Part of learning a new instrument includes readying it for play, so I had better start practicing. My autoharp has 36 strings and 15 chords. It took me about two hours to successfully tune it, and I still feel like the tuning could use some work in a few places. I'll tune it more before I play it tomorrow.

Now I have to find some beginner instruction... I have no idea if that will be simple or difficult.

Brave Newbies

2011-02-01T19:04:00.000-08:00

My friend Phil is a pretty interesting fellow. He's got this brave new project going on over at TheBraveNew.com and I'm going to do my darndest to participate even more this month.

February's challenge is to learn a new skill, and Phil has chosen to learn to play the accordion. I expect to hear some awesome accordion covers next month.

I've been going through a bit of my own personal challenge to reduce my possessions, and yet somehow, I still have an autoharp. That's right, autoharp. So for the month of February, I will try to learn something new about playing the autoharp every day, and hopefully end the month with a budding new skill!

Glorious autoharp funtimes ahead

I'm also taking a crack at a second new skill -- puppy training. Some friends have a few more little pups on their hands right now than expected, and they are just hitting the unruly age of puppyhood where they need the most guidance. What better time to make my first attempt at puppy training? It'll be good for both of us. :)

Pictures of pup-in-training to come later!

Be Happy

2011-01-29T14:37:00.001-08:00

When I wake in the morning I am happy.

I have survived to witness another day.

When I dress I am happy.

The clothes in my closet all fit well and are comfortable.

While I prepare a morning meal I am happy.

I have food and drink to fill my belly.

When I leave to go to work I am happy.

I am eager to get there and see my friends, so I arrive early.

While I am working I am happy.

I choose to do work that is rewarding, fulfilling, and aligns with my values.

When my work is done I am happy.

I completed each task thoroughly and to the best of my ability the first time.

When I return home I am happy.

I have a roof to sleep under and walls to keep me warm and safe.

While I cook dinner I am happy.

I treasure the learning experience of turning ingredients into cuisine.

While I unwind at the end of the day I am happy.

I have entertainment and conversation to inspire my mind.

When I spend time with my partner I am happy.

I am loved, trusted, and respected as I love, trust, and respect him.

When I go to sleep at night I am happy.

I have a warm bed and fluffy pillows to hold my sleepy head.

When I dream I am happy.

My dreams are vivid and full of my own mind.

When I wake in the morning I am happy.

Why are you happy? Take time to count your blessings.

Polish Review - Cherry Red

2010-10-04T13:47:00.001-07:00

Once last year, or the year before, I got a manicure. It was the first manicure I'd ever had, and it was great. For those of you who have never had one -- it's kind of like having your fingers trimmed and your nails fortified.

This made me feel as though a manicure might be the perfect thing to get right before going to Burning Man. The second manicure I ever had was on the day I left for the playa this year. It turns out that it was a great idea, for a few reasons:

1. If your nails are short and strengthened with several layers of lacquer, they are less likely to get caught and painfully broken while building and playing.

2. If your nails are colorful, you can't see how dirty they really are. (Yucky, I know, but it helps me freak out less about cleanliness when I can't see all the playa under my nails.)

3. Caring for your hands helps keep them healthy.

4. Freshly manicured nails are totally girly and also sexy. It's a really simple way to show that you take time to care about yourself and personal hygiene.

Upon returning from the desert, I decided this was something I wanted to try to keep up all year long. It's a nice simple thing I can do for myself, and it's become quite a rewarding little me-time ritual since then.

So, since this is going to be a regular thing, it can also be a regularly shared thing. :)

Without further ado, I present, my first nail polish review!

(I know... riveting, right?)

Sally Hansen's Xtreme Wear nail color in Cherry Red #07

Cherry Red is a creme color, and it definitely lives up to the extreme wear promise. This polish has lasted longer without chipping than any others I've tested so far -- a whopping 4 days. The first chip was tiny, and easily patched for a night-time dinner outing. It provides great coverage in two coats, and has a pretty decent shine, even with just my quick-dry top coat on. When it came time to kiss Cherry Red goodbye, it was easy to remove, and didn't stain my finger tips.

...and now for the scoring part. I think any review needs some sort of score, and scores should be fun, so here goes... The Finger Scale!

On a scale of one (I'll let you guess which one) to ten (ALL IN!) fingers, I give Cherry Red:

Cost: 10 fingers - I picked this color up on sale, buy one get one 50% off, original price $2.99.

Coverage: 8 fingers - It went on and covered well in two coats, but it was extremely thick and that made it harder to work with.

Wear: 10 fingers - This may change later, but so far this is the longest wearing polish I've tested, at 4 days with no chips.

Clean-up: 7 fingers - I did use acetone polish remover, and it took 4 total cotton balls to clean up.

Color: 10 fingers - I got exactly what I expected. A true red that matched the bottle color completely.

Final Score: 9 fingers!

Fortunes

2010-09-29T14:16:00.000-07:00

I've been noticing the little signs that October is approaching, and I am super excited for autumn this year.

Something about the coming of fall always inspires me to post, so here's to another beginning. :)

I collect random fortunes that I find here and there (You'd be surprised how often I randomly find these -- nowhere near a fortune cookie.) and I figured it was about time I started sharing some of them as they come along. I found this one while crafting.

I guess maybe I should be eagerly anticipating winter instead?

What are you looking forward to?

Tree Fort Report

2010-04-05T18:06:00.000-07:00

Just over a week ago, one of my coolhunters (Burnkitty) sent me a link to this fabulous item: The Sailboat Kit.

I have a knack for organized disarray, but somehow that just wasn't fulfilling all of my needs when it comes to my daily life. Some of you may be wondering where I disappeared to some time near the end of last year. Well, here it is: I have a job I do from home, and a life I live from the same home, and it was becoming more and more difficult to separate the two properly. This leaves me feeling overwhelmed and overloaded, totally unsure of what to do with my abundance of guilt and depressing attitude toward my ability to handle everything myself. I can't work all the time, but I also couldn't allow myself to have play time without feeling guilty like I should still be working -- just because I COULD still be working.

This Sailboat Kit arrived, and I built it. It took three hours, tons of paper, almost an entire pencil, and more intense brain spew scribbling than I ever expected I was capable of. I considered posting the insane brain spewage here, but I think I'll hold off for now. It's kind of a mess, and I don't like thinking about my kit in such a shamble. After the hours of building were done, I took a good look at what I had built. Much to my surprise, it's not a sailboat at all. This is the finest tree fort I have ever had the pleasure of encountering.

The. Finest. Tree. Fort. Ever.

Ever, people.

So I now have a very free-form way of organizing my time, my work, my play, everything. It's all there in my Tree Fort. If you'd like to see it lemme know and I'll send you the secret link. I don't really feel like I want to share my schedule with the world, but if you ask, I'll send it over for a look. Just don't giggle too hard... Or do. Hard giggling is good.

I now feel free when I've taken care of my work responsibilities for the day. It's like every day is Friday once I've checked off all of my tasks, and I can mentally relax while I physically relax into my evening. The feeling is immensely fantastic, and I wish it upon each and every one of you.

In other news, my kitchen has gotten so many upgrades since returning from Burning Man last year that it's practically a whole new room. Actually, I suppose since I moved in December it actually IS a whole new room. I won't get into everything right now, because it's more than I feel like writing this evening, but to give you a taste until next time...

At the urging of Miss Burnkitty, I invited Mark Bittman into my kitchen. His influence (via Kitchen Express) has completely changed the way I cook, and I can barely imagine what I was doing before to make cooking seem so difficult. I still firmly believe that baking is a science, but cooking meals has never been easier. I now cook two or three meals a day, every day, all week, and I love it.

Even if you hate cooking, if you have a chance to check out this book, I highly recommend it.

Coming next week (or sooner if I get wild): Rutiz Farms, One Knife to Rule Them All, But Wait There's More, and The Kitchen List & Food Board.

Meh and Prints

2010-02-12T18:49:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to make my Etsy shop more accessible to people who might not be interested in purchasing an actual hand painted art of mine, but still want to own a bit of my work, I have begun researching outsourcing some high quality art prints.

There are far too many options and I am far too new at this.

So far I've narrowed it down to (maybe) two potential printers, but now there's all this nonsense about making sure your files are the right size, shape, etc. It's expected nonsense really, but I don't have the patience to figure it out today.

The tough decision is this: I don't know what size prints I should stock, if any, or if it would be a better idea to just outright offer prints for sale and then order them if someone buys one.

My argument is, personally, I hate waiting for things I've purchased online. That's the worst part of buying things on the internet. The waiting, oh god the waiting... and I like to think I'm usually an extremely patient person. On the other hand, I don't really want to shell out a bunch of money for prints that I don't need myself, and may never sell.

Oh the conundrum. What's a girl to do?

Hooray Blog!

2010-02-03T17:50:00.001-08:00

I finally got all my old blogs from the myspaces moved over here. Hopefully that makes this a bit more fun to browse.

Also, I finally got situated working at home and now I'm having a hard time turning it off. It's like every time I sit in front of my own computer, I feel like I should be working.

Hopefully this is the first of many more updates this year. How have you all been?

Lyric

2009-05-22T08:47:00.000-07:00

This is Lyric.

Don't forget to keep your mystery...

There's a weird blurry spot in the photo, so I'll have to re-shoot it later. This is the whole image though. Also sorry to disappoint, there's just no way I could do justice to Link.

Thoughts?

New!

2009-05-06T11:48:00.000-07:00

Go here: www.FairyRebel.com

Give me constructive feedbacks!

(Keep in mind though, this isnt intended to showcase website design, its just a simple home for my paintings and nonsense.)

:D

Hands

2009-04-30T14:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I eat steak.

...with my hands.

...while driving.

Maybe.

That is all.

Heat

2009-04-21T10:45:00.001-07:00

Hooray summer? I think this is my new favorite cold drink. Why the hell does it already need to be 95+ degrees outside every day? It's only APRIL!

Someone call manbearpig.

Delays

2009-04-09T15:59:00.001-07:00

Apparently it takes a while to identify strange 25 gallon blue jugs before shipping them. Just ask whoever is working the counter at FedEx. Pail-o-pony scares me. The lady behind the counter said these are common, and to give you an idea on size, that's her arm on the left...

Stormy Paints

2009-03-04T13:53:00.001-08:00

Don't hate. I'm about 8ish hours into this one. It's not done yet (nowhere near done) and I'm not positive exactly what direction I'm headed in with it, but even if it sucks as art I'm enjoying the ride.

Constructive feedback is always welcome.

Unnamed - Acrylic on gallery stretched canvas - 24x30 in.

You Must Know...

2009-02-18T11:03:00.000-08:00

Such a pretty song... I felt compelled to share.

What are these hands for, if I can't bring you fallen rain?
What are these eyes for, if I can't see the moon, watch over you?
What are these arms for, if I can't hold you through the night?
What does this heart beat for, if I can't lay by your side?
You must know. I was made for you.

WTF?

2009-02-13T09:15:00.001-08:00

What state do I live in? Why are there drifts of ice on everything? WTF is going on out there?

P.S. Driving in hail is awesome, unless you're a moron... in which case, good luck with your insurance claim.

Times and Measures

2009-02-10T11:55:00.000-08:00

Okay, so...

I've decided it has become time to learn to sell my artwork. I've never ever sold a painting before ever... or any art of mine that I can recall... so here's your chance to make some of my art part of your collection. I'd really like to start with my friends so that I can ease into abandoning my babies by placing them in homes of people I trust.

(Insert comment here about virgins, etc.)

I only have one of these, it's the original, and is not currently ready to hang (in case you wanted to frame it) though I can affix a hanging cable across the back if you so desire.

This is among the largest of my paintings, and measures 14x18.

Available until it's gone or until I change my mind, for $250 + shipping. (...or make me an offer, I'm not too proud.)

Hooray Rain!

2009-02-05T08:53:00.001-08:00

Today has to be better than yesterday. Its been pouring rain all night, and is supposed to continue well into the weekend. Yesterday was so absolutely shitty already by this hour of the morning that I'm just not sure that today has a chance of keeping up with it.

Feets and Rambling

2009-02-03T13:14:00.001-08:00

Boy, the carpet at my office is hideous and dirty. Contrary to what I'm sure Monica will think, I'm thinking my feet look pretty cute today. I'm bored, on my lunch, and felt like posting but I have nothing entertaining to talk about...

I wonder how many of you out there are self employed. You should speak up if you are (or have been) 'cause I need some reliable resources on the topic. I should also probably try to eat food on my lunch today I suppose... then it's back to awesome paperwork, wooo!!

Hot or Not?

2009-02-01T14:56:00.000-08:00

(Clicky for bigsize)

My mom bought me this t-shirt for christmas, and while the cotton is some of the softest I've ever worn, I'm just not sure if it's too gangster for me to wear in public. Randy laughed at me when I put it on this morning... but it's so comfy... I'm torn.

Thoughts?

All the Fallen Angels

2009-01-29T11:00:00.001-08:00

Sometimes Goodwill totally hooks it up. I was hoping to replace these CDs eventually since I no longer had my digital copies and BAM there they were. Great condition -- I'm totally revisiting high school today. It's caused a definite improvement in my attitude this morning. Never figured I'd feel that way about 90s grunge/prog rock but I totally do.

I am poison crazy lush. I'm screaming daisies...

Mountains

2009-01-28T13:11:00.001-08:00

Ugh. I have mountains of paperwork to move today and while I am strangely motivated to get shit done, I am not at all interested in actually doing any of it. Also, dealing with idiots about bills and my missing RAM yesterday has pretty much clouded over my week and I feel like I'd rather stab myself in the face with my staple remover than speak to another human on the phone. Did I mention I have a fistful of billing nag calls to make this afternoon? GRAND.

American Jet-Set Girl 2

2009-01-19T10:51:00.001-08:00

Return of American Jet-Set Girl

Seas of clouds are therapy.

New Content

2009-01-04T23:23:00.000-08:00

So I'm sure that those of you who actually read this from time to time may have noticed that I started copying my myspace blogs over here from days gone by. I'd rather have everything in one place so that the death of myspace can continue without me stressing about my hilarious memories dying with it. With that said, I feel like while I'm here I owe a few of you some things you've waited patiently for, some of you for far too long. I'm in no mood to attempt to search my archives for photos that are owed, but I promise to be more diligent about adding new stuff here, and I also promise to try harder to make Norby cooperate. (First generation phones, go figure. He can upload pictures, but not text. I am completely dissatisfied with anything other than exactly what I want. We'll keep working toward a compromise.)

So without further ado, I'd like to present... an actual rambling... by me... late at night (okay not that late) when I'm supposed to be asleep already.

There have been so many things bothering me recently. I've been internalizing most of it, but those of you familiar with that process know it's not always so easy. I decided the other day after a bit of prodding that there was no good reason for me to keep up with the bottling, opened a floodgate, and I actually feel ENTIRELY better about at least one challenge I was facing.

That's pretty rare. I don't usually feel such a stark sense of closure. I like it.
_____

I wonder how many of you have played that game Persona 3. I haven't personally played it but it introduced a concept that, in my head, applies directly to life. I'm still surprised that it was found in a video game. The main character has powers, and these powers are strengthened individually by the people that he interacts with. Social interactions strengthen or weaken him, depending on the quality of the bond he has with the associated party to any given power. (I hope I'm explaining this so that anybody understands what the hell I mean.) The reason I bring this up is because I feel like this is VERY true to life, and I've been handed some fine examples to remind me of this recently. My direct interactions with my chosen few have a huge influence over my abilities and strengths as a person.

To those of you who are my chosen few, have been my chosen few in the past, and will be my chosen few again in the future, thank you from the bottom of my icy little heart. Even if I have been well out of contact for a long time, I haven't forgotten what you mean to me and the contributions you've made to help me be the person I am to day.

To those of you who have recently been tossed to me as fine examples, thank you in advance for all that you do to inspire and improve me as a human.

I look forward to expanding my horizons.
_____

On a totally unrelated note, I've been attracting a broad range of things lately. Mostly in a positive way. Some of my issues with my social life are slowly starting to resolve themselves, and I'm getting a picture of the next road I may travel, and who might be by my side as I do so. I can't say that the spontaneous "fuck-it-all" attitude hasn't been taunting me lately either. Sometimes I feel like a cashed paycheck in my hand and a sack of clothes on my back might be all I need to handle my next road. Other times I'm completely terrified by the fact that such an irresponsible thought had the chance to enter my head.

Does everyone experience the kind of internal turmoil and tug-of-war that I do? For your sakes, I hope not.
_____

Oh, right... and welcome to 2009. It better be fucktons better than 2008. There's a 9 in there, it has to be. OR ELSE. I'M WARNING YOU '09. Don't make me bring the pain.
_____

AAANNNND I'm spent.

G'nite my kidbots. Til' next time. :)

Currently Listening:
Breaking Benjamin - Phobia

Felix Felicis

2008-12-26T15:48:00.000-08:00

I get to see sunshine on the ocean almost every single day.

I Can Fly

2008-11-30T18:30:00.001-08:00

This one hit me hard:

I can fly.
I can shine even in the darkness.

I can love.
I am strong even on my own.

It's a call and answer. The part that matters now is that I am capable of being myself and knowing that the girl I am can fly on her own wings, shine bright in her darkest hour, love with all her being, and be strong when there is nothing left to lean on. I will be just fine.

Butterflies in Singapore

2008-08-20T21:08:00.000-07:00

No, I haven't died.

Yeah, you could say I've been busy. Busy pretty much covers it.

Where was I in January? I hardly remember. Stuck somewhere between two glass walls, inches away from the rain but completely unable to feel it. As silly as it sounds, sometimes I feel like I just need to smash myself into the elements, press my hands into the earth, stand facing the sky in the rain, let the wind twist through my hair. I don't get much of that these days. I need more. I need to remind myself to get it.

You know that saying about a butterfly flapping its wings on one side of this earth, and causing a hurricane on the other side? The older I get the more true I think it is. A year ago this week, I was getting ready to go home for the first time in my life. This year, I'm trying to forget that I can't go.

It's not working.

So who is my butterfly? Really who isn't? Someone changed their mind about what was important to them. That change caused something that was important to me to lose its grasp on life. My long run of a good stable thing came to an end. I learned that this year. No matter how stable you think you may be, you aren't. Not at all. Everything you've built up balances precariously on so many factors you never even considered. Just one of them has to change and it's all over. I learned another thing this year. I learned that I'm really good at watching myself fall, and making sure I land on my feet, regardless of how scared I may be.

I bet you're wondering what I've been so busy with. Ok maybe you weren't, but I bet someone was.

At the end of January, I found out that the company I was working for decided not to go forward with any outbound marketing or sales initiatives. This was odd, considering I'd just been promoted to sales, and I was our only sales person. I became highly suspicious.

At the end of February I found out that I needed to start looking for a new job. Those of you who know me well know that the little blue birds in my veins would never have approved of such a thing. They didn't have much say in the matter, considering that they were dying. The job I felt like I could keep until I died was being tugged out from beneath my feet, thanks to a few bad business decisions and a declining economy. Thanks a lot, you butterflies you. So I started looking for a new job, and stopped believing in hard work getting me anywhere in the long-run. Apparently there is no long-run.

At the end of March I found out I had to find a new place to live. It's weird when you've lived under the same roof as another person for years only to find out that they are a raving psychotic liar at the last moment. Long story short, I had to find a new place to live, and I only had about 30 days to do so.

Come to find out, new places to live don't like it when you're applying for a new apartment but you are also aware that you're about to lose your job. I'm not a huge fan of lying, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

So at the end of April I found somewhere to live. While it's not the greatest place I've ever occupied, it certainly isn't a spider hole in the middle of a desert, so I can't complain. The water is always on, not just at the whim of my landlord. I maintain the electricity, internet and cable tv. The walls don't randomly catch on fire in the middle of the night, and if I trip a circuit, I know where the breaker is. It's a little more expensive than I'd like, but these days that's about the norm if you want to live in California.

Oh also, it's in California, and the beach is less than five minutes away. Marine layer? Yes please, I'll take two.

So then in May I started my new job. It's weird, having a new job after so many years. I still hate being the new person, and I'm still really paranoid (thx UPS) when I'm not familiar with a company and its employees. I think I found a good place though, and the people seem to like me, so I hope I can make this work for a long time to come.

At the end of May a very important figure in my life died. He may not have thought he was important to me, his family may not have thought so either, but he was. The closest thing I ever had to a father as a child passed away on Memorial Day. He had a stroke while seated at his desk at work. He was 54 years old.

...

There isn't a whole lot I can say about this except that if you care about someone, you should tell them. Tell them often. People don't know these things unless you say them. Hints don't work. Feelings change, so keep telling them so they know you still mean it. It's difficult to tell someone that you care too often; it's really easy to not tell them often enough.

I've learned things about people too. I've learned that you can tell who your true friends are when the lure of a paycheck doesn't force you to spend time around them every day. I've learned that no matter how much you love someone, and try your best to show them, if doesn't really mean dick if they don't feel the same for you. I've learned that while feelings are endless, they still leave a big gaping hole when you pour them all out and you don't get much back in return. I've learned that the big empty space they leave does hurt. It hurts a lot. So much that I'm not sure if it's better to have that or to be alone.

I've learned that for everything I think I've learned, I don't really know anything.

And that's where I've been.

Up and Down and In and Out

2008-03-18T13:18:00.000-07:00

Get your minds out of the gutter.

So I’ve been busy, and sick, and busy, and stressed, and sick, and emotional, and happy, and did I say busy? Somehow I found time to paint last week/weekend, and this is the result. I call this one Dusk:

I am still completely in love with this painting, which is odd. Usually by the time I’m done with a piece, I hate it. Also, this is THE FIRST TIME EVER that I’ve photographed a painting of mine and had the colors come out TRUE to the actual image. (I can’t even tell you how happy I am that all the silver didn’t come out gold this time.)

I got a new easel this weekend and some canvases that I tragically forgot at the store, so I can’t paint on them yet. I’m still looking forward to spewing forth more of my brainchildren, and I heard an interesting suggestion that paired with the trees outside my office has inspired me. Hopefully I can muster the guts to take some of these in to one of ye olde local coffee shoppes and beg some poor schmuck to hang them on the walls for a while.

Thoughts?

AKA "Black Thursday"

2008-02-14T11:13:00.000-08:00

Figured I'd take a moment on my break this morning and share some holiday joy with all of you.

First, this:

Awwwww. Gosh darn it, people like me.

Secondly, let's have us a discussion about the origins of "Valentine's day", courtesy of wikipedia:

The Lupercalia was a very ancient, possibly pre-Roman pastoral festival, observed on February 13 through February 15 to avert evil spirits and purify the city, releasing health and fertility. The Lupercalia was believed in antiquity to have some connection with the Ancient Greek festival of the Arcadian Lycaea (from Ancient Greek: ????? – lykos, "wolf", Latin lupus) and the worship of Lycaean Pan, the Greek equivalent to Faunus, as instituted by Evander.

The festival began with the sacrifice by the Luperci (or the flamen dialis) of two male goats and a dog. Next two patrician young Luperci were led to the altar, to be anointed on their foreheads with the sacrificial blood, which was wiped off the bloody knife with wool soaked in milk, after which they were expected to smile and laugh; the smearing of the forehead with blood probably refers to human sacrifice originally practised at the festival.

The sacrificial feast followed, after which the Luperci cut thongs from the skins of the victims, which were called Februa, dressed themselves in the skins of the sacrificed goats, in imitation of Lupercus, and ran round the walls of the old Palatine city, the line of which was marked with stones, with the thongs in their hands in two bands, striking the people who crowded near. Girls and young women would line up on their route to receive lashes from these whips. This was supposed to ensure fertility, prevent sterility in women and ease the pains of childbirth. This tradition itself may survive (Christianised, and shifted to Spring) in certain ritual Easter Monday whippings.

Tl;dr - Delicious, delicious bloody sacrificial goat skin whippings. Have a happy Thursday, kidbots.

Currently listening:
Desideratum
By Synaesthesia
Release date: 17 October, 1995

Complaints

2008-01-31T11:51:00.000-08:00

I think lately I've been reminded that if I maintain the right sort of attitude, I can actually find myself happy more often than not. I think a big part of this is largely dependent on my ability to eliminate upsetting behavior from my repetoire. With this discovery, I've decided to attempt to give up complaining.

I realized the other day that I really don't have all that much to complain about. Sure, I had a rough upbringing, but who didn't these days? Sure, I have problems and issues, and things that just don't go as I had hoped they would go, but who doesn't experience that? Time is limited. No matter how much I'd like to forget that and feel like I have an unlimited expanse of life and youth ahead of me, that's just not how things work. Why waste this precious commodity? I should recognize what makes me happy, and what I can do to try to stay that way. Enjoy what I can, while I can.

Moving forward. I often apply this when faced with a situation that is difficult to approach or somehow frightening. What can I do to move forward? What is the next step? If I stay busy trying to move forward, I won't have time to be stressed, worried, frightened, or otherwise incapacitated by my emotions. Why is it that I don't apply this to my every day life? I think I'll start. I need to figure out what I want, and what the next step is in order to get there. What's the worst that could happen? Maybe I'll fail, but at least I tried. I am the only person who can let myself be defeated, and I refuse to allow it.

I tried the other day at work, to motivate myself by creating steps to my day. This is what I need to complete, in this amount of time, to stay on track. When I break things down into tiny manageable parts they seem so much more reasonable, and somehow I get them done without even thinking about it. Maybe the same idea can be applied to much larger goals. Maybe I should decide what my larger goals are.

Maybe I already have.

And now for a little levity:

Image courtesy of Questionable Content

Currently listening:
Urban Angel
By Natalie Walker
Release date: 28 August, 2007

Potential New Apartment!!

2007-12-22T23:43:00.000-08:00

The pictures aren't great, but I was being sneaky. Cross your fingers
for me!

Two Ones or One Nine

2007-12-20T04:16:00.000-08:00

Cold here.
Cold and dark.
A soft glow has gone.

Press on, but it's not the same.
Lights don't dance for me.
The sky has changed.

Do you gaze like I do?
Pale face in the heavens.
Does it call to you?
Chilled tears alight on your face.
Could you know they're mine?

Tonight the sun burns out.
That look, will I see it again?
Sparkle and shine, between smiles.
Mirrored eyes, I see no regrets.

Questions half answered.
The truth or the lie?
A move in the darkness.
A pledge in the light.
An art in the silence.
A laugh, and a sigh.

A spiders thread.
Can it bind the unbound?

Move aside my subtle armor.
I'll destroy me if I must.
I'll adore me if I must.
I'll console me.

If I must.

Image courtesy of Matt Hoffman

Currently listening:
Mad World
By Gary Jules
Release date: 12 January, 2004

Shoes and Ships and Sealing Wax

2007-12-05T12:37:00.000-08:00

All ways are my way.

(Insert obligatory apology here. This may not make much sense.)

I've been doing far too much thinking lately... again. There are a few things I should be writing, which are not random myspace blogs full of angst, but instead I choose to spend the last half of my lunch today rambling about nothingness. You don't have to read it. You're the star of your own movie, all ways are your way.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this really. My head is so full of things swimming back and forth terrorizing me a snippet at a time.

My family. I love them, (Well, most of them. You know who you are.) but sometimes I just can't handle being the "strong" one anymore. I have these nuclear meltdowns that make me feel like I should abandon everyone and go live in a cave. I simultaneously love and hate the feeling of being needed by them. It's like, I'd gladly do anything to help them out, and I'm glad that they come to me when they need it, but at the same time, the emotional strain they place on me makes me feel like there's no way I'm a good choice for emotional support. Is it really possible to be strong enough for others when you feel so weak?

My friends. I really don't know what I'd do without my friends. When I get that "hide in a cave" feeling, I can almost guarantee you that one of the first five people I'd text or call would gladly listen to me cry and whine about nothing until I felt better. I'd do the same for any of them, in a heartbeat, so why do I feel guilty burdening my friends with my problems? I don't feel like its a burden to me to listen when they need it, why do I automatically assume it's a burden to them?

The real question: why are these two scenarios different? Why is it that I feel worn so thin sometimes after trying to help my family, but with friends I just feel glad to be able to listen and possibly help? Why is it that I would cry my eyes out to my mom at the drop of a hat (although not expect her to entirely understand) but it's a rare occasion for a friend to see me cry?

Then there's this other thing bothering me... They always say "When it rains, it pours." I find this to be true so often, and yet I never expect it, ever. There's this whole concept of "want" that I'm struggling with. Everybody wants to be wanted. Everybody, in some way. So what makes it different when its one person instead of another? Why is it that it matters who? Why does my brain determine that want from one angle would make me happy, but from another, it's totally creepy? Why does it always seem to be that the kind I want is the kind I probably won't ever have?

I keep so many secrets. It's sort of my nature to do so. So why does it make me feel so empty when I realize that nobody really knows me all that intimately? Even the longest relationship I've ever had... I can guarantee you there are plenty of things he didn't know about me, and still doesn't, because I wanted it that way. I distance myself on purpose. What is it that makes me so afraid to share things with people I trust? Maybe it's that I don't trust myself enough to determine who, outside of my head, is trustworthy enough? Does that even make any sense?

Why does any of it even matter? Why can't I talk myself out of having emotions? Maybe I should move to Africa and purify water for pot-bellied babies for the rest of my life.

Currently listening: Karma Police, CD 1 By Radiohead

Release date: 25 September, 2000

When You See It

2007-11-17T15:37:00.000-08:00

You'll shit bricks...

Do what we must, because we can't.

2007-11-11T23:41:00.000-08:00

Frustration.

Do you ever find yourself in a situation where if you could change one thing, you know exactly what you would do... but you can't change that thing so you have no idea what to do?

I hate the feeling that my hands are tied. I hate feeling like I can't do everything that I want to do for a friend. I hate it and I wish things didn't have to be this way.

I keep telling myself, someday this frustration will all be just a memory, but it's so difficult to make it through these days.

I can't get you off of my mind, and I can't stop hoping that you're okay, and I can't help feeling like crap because there's not really anything I can do. I think the only thing I actually can do is be here, so I'm here, and I hope you know that.

Currently listening: Brick By Ben Folds Five

More Paints

2007-11-11T18:59:00.000-08:00

Finished another one. Don't know what I think of it really, but I guess I like it cause I don't hate it, and I don't want to give it away like I originally intended.

I think I'm not sure if I like the birds, I like everything else.

What do you think?

Again the colors don't translate well. The background color is pretty accurate, the trees don't have white spots on them, they're just shiny black paint, the moon is white with metallic silver accents and the birds are both metallic silver. It's 9" x 12" on canvas board. (Sorry Scotty P., I know you told me to do bigger ones so I did a smaller one...)

Currently listening:
Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand
By Primitive Radio Gods

Easy Steps

2007-10-13T22:10:00.000-07:00

Just as I expected, I finally get around to posting this and I have no idea what the heck it's about.

First -- books which I will write to become famous:

Bob Dylan to Michael Bolton in 3 Easy Steps
101 Uses for a Laundry Basket (Plus Bonus Dog Idea)

Also: (and I have no idea what this is referring to)

Shoulder Robot and Frozen Baby
Food = Poop

That is all.

Hot or Not: Shoe Edition

2007-10-13T17:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, hot or not? I can't decide.

Oh Happy Necklace

2007-10-11T16:32:00.001-07:00

Look what I got... I am so insanely happy to have it. I'm smiling like an idiot right now.

Cobalt Tears

2007-10-09T13:46:00.000-07:00

If you intended to make me cry, your attempt was successful.

Taunt (Rank 25)

2007-10-08T20:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like it's not a good idea to compare life to video games. In this case I think it's appropriate. I think I've honed my taunt skill, and now I'm not prepared to deal with the consequences.

One time I got cited for being "full of crap." My fine for this infraction was a series of spankings. Obviously I *am* full of crap, so in this situation it's only natural for me to taunt whoever is administering my punishment... which only leads to hand-shaped welts that last for days and days.

Lately I've been feeling like, even though most things that happen to (and around) me are completely out of my control, I still manage to make them worse sometimes. Not on purpose, but because of my nature. Something in me that makes me worry about stuff when I absolutely shouldn't worry, and then I feel like I brought it upon myself when bad things happen. Kind of like when that idiot Jim Bockman (names have been changed to protect the stupid) told Necca that she causes herself to get into car accidents.

It probably doesn't help that when faced with a stressful situation, my reaction is to switch straight to logic and abandon any and all of my emotions. "What needs to happen to move things forward?" "What is the first step to making this better?" Worrying the whole time that I'm going to make things worse somehow. Then, as soon as the stress-causing situation is resolved, I lose my composure and turn into a blubbering infant. It kind of makes the whole ordeal last twice as long. Usually by the time I start blubbering, I've got nobody but myself to pick up the pieces of me.

So now I'm starting to wonder if my worrying really does bring these things upon me. As the song goes, "Drama doesn't follow me, it rides on my back." I don't feel like I'm a high-drama kind of girl, but damn if I'm not pitched face first into some highly dramatic situations on a pretty regular basis.

Don't get me wrong, it could also have a lot to do with my willingness to help out a friend in need. I'm sure plenty of people see these kind of situations brewing and run the hell away. I feel like it's important to me to provide any help I possibly can to a friend who needs it. Isn't that what friends are for? Am I the only one who feels this way?

Anyway, my main question here is, at the resolution of this sort of situation, I often feel the need to scream into the heavens, and at the earth and everything around me. I just want to stop and yell until I can't anymore. I don't think there's anyone or anything out there that will answer, but I'm still tempted to lash out at the universe around me. Sometimes I do. This time I didn't, even though I wanted to. Do I bring these things upon myself? Is this what it's like to have your universe rise to the occasion when you taunt it?

Is that all you've got? Fuckin' bring it on then. I'm still standing.

Currently listening: The Same Old Blood Rush with a New Touch By Cute Is What We Aim For

Release date: 20 June, 2006

Freaky Pillow

2007-10-08T19:45:00.000-07:00

Staso discovered this 'flower' pillow at Luckys the other day... I don't even know what else I can say about it that this picture can't say for me...

Beach Safety

2007-10-06T15:40:00.000-07:00

Just so you are all aware, as illustrated in the first image on the 2nd row of this public safety reminder:

Don't think you can go to Santa Cruz and jump your motorcycle over cars. Maybe you can jump your bike over other shit, but not over cars, mmmkay?

Ninja Edit: Thx Celeste for pointing out this awesome sign of fantasticness.

Moving Forward

2007-10-03T15:58:00.000-07:00

I've finally started replacing my stolen jewelry. My scorpion necklace was my first attempt. I got this in the mail today. Next up is my silver llama, followed by my spoon ring, and then my cobalt marble. Once I locate suitable replacements all things will be right in my world... ok that's a lie, but its a start.

(Also, my chest looks awful in this picture... where the heck did all the red blotchyness come from? That's not actually there...)

Got Milk?

2007-09-30T19:02:00.000-07:00

It scares me when I see a new month on the expiration date of my (chocolate) milk. I can't believe it's already almost October. Before you know it, we'll be celebrating Hatvember, Scarfcember, and Bandanuary again.

You know what else scares me? When my body decides I need calcium or protein or something and I end up drinking half a gallon of milk in the span of an afternoon. I don't even like milk. What gives?

Entertain Me, Myself and I

2007-09-29T21:56:00.000-07:00

(Here's my 'pondering reality vs. fiction' face)

I'm officially addicted to this show, however this one episode appears to be broken and its killing me. I swear its like a soap opera for geeks, and I'm totally swooning over Helo. He's buff but still incredibly sweet. What gives? Do guys like that actually exist? Maybe the writers for this show are all women and he's a figment of their combined imaginations.

And yes, it was a delicious pomegranate green tea energy drink, which I thouroughly enjoyed.

Couch of Blackness

2007-09-29T20:32:00.000-07:00

Why yes, it would be. Why?

P.S. This couch's luck doesn't appear to have changed. Aaron's sweatshirt has been sitting on it all week and I just went to move it to take a picture and its soaked with Niki pee. Eew.

Noobday Parties

2007-09-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, Scott's kid is abnormally huge for a one year old. Enjoy some birthday cake eating photos:

Reap What You Sow

2007-09-28T22:01:00.000-07:00

These are some strange days.

Somebody said "Ask and you shall receive." I think they were right. Also, "Be careful what you wish for." Also right.

I asked, I was horribly unprepared for what I wished for, now I don't know what to do. Fantastic.

THANKS WORLD, I HEART YOU. (Seriously, I say this without even a hint of sarcasm. Things are looking up.)

Also, Dominic:

No. Way. Local. Cop. That. Their. Fiefdom.

That is all.

Currently listening: Speak for Yourself By Imogen Heap

Release date: 01 November, 2005

On Sleepless Roads

2007-09-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to figure out today if illness makes me depressed or if it's the other way around. It's probably both, and I'm crazy.

Anyway, I left work yesterday feeling light-headed and stressed. Spent the evening with a rather odd and also mightily fat kitty who helped me to feel much much better. It's strange to me to witness the effect a weird and creaky furball can have on my mood. I probably need to hang out with cats more often, or get something moderately fuzzy of my own to hang out with. Dharma just doesn't have the same effect now that I'm reasonably sure she could completely swallow my thumb with no issue. Don't get me wrong, I don't think she would but if I had to try to put myself in her head I'd expect her internal monologue goes a little something like this:

"Listen, you need to quit your whining. I have to live in a glass box every day and the only reason I'm so good at keeping my girlish figure is that I only get to eat when you decide to feed me. Do you realize I haven't eaten bread in ever? You think you've got it bad. I should just digest your thumb and give you something to whine about."

I'm really looking forward to the possibility that I will be able to buy a bird early next year. I think that might help curb my emotional rollercoaster outbreaks.

In other news, my Susiekins has introduced me to the modern miracle of mobile blogging. I can officially send photos and text to this crazy email address and poof, a minute later it's online for everyone to read.

Also, cocks, lol.

Currently listening: Daniel Powter By Daniel Powter

Release date: 11 April, 2006

Jabba the Cat

2007-09-27T23:00:00.000-07:00

I swear Niki and I wear the same size pants. He is so big we can't lay side by side on the couch 'cause we don't both fit. Speaking of which, what a trip to lay on my old couch and watch tv on a big tv while being suffocated by a giant cat.

Pit Of Self-Loathing

2007-09-27T17:16:00.000-07:00

After a very strange and awful day, I've decided to commit myself to an evening in my personal pit of self-loathing.

Today was strange because traditionally, the first day of the year that I find myself staring down a pomegranate in a big box grocery store has always been a good day. Then I followed up this stare down with an intensely frustrating day. I was almost in tears at one point, and those of you who know me know how rare it is for me to show emotion, let alone cry, in front of other people.

I'm starting to wonder if maybe its just not humanly possible to wake up every morning, square your shoulders, and hold your head up as you face each day. Some days I feel so splendidly weak that I wonder how I can be trusted to make sure I survive.

Does it count as strength if you don't really believe it? I mean I tell myself all the time what I need to do. I suck it up and make sure these things actually get done, but internally I freak out about it the entire time. Maybe that's the issue. Maybe I'm just never really strong so on the days when I can't push myself as hard I really notice what I'm made of.

It just seems like I'm made of tofu, or maybe pudding. Then again, one time somebody told me I taste like raspberry jello so maybe that's it. No, it wasn't Devilsaur either.

Okay that's about enough complaining. Next time I see a pomegranate in a grocery store I'm going to buy it and have a goddamned fantastic day.

Cocks, LOL

2007-09-27T11:14:00.000-07:00

Hooray for Chinese dinners in obscure Morro Bay restaurants. I still can't believe the lady had the door open for us before we even got out of the car.

Also, cocks, lol.

Holiday Hijinx

2007-09-26T10:09:00.000-07:00

So you know those little christmas town setups some people like to build... apparently you can now add a taco stand or pharmacy to yours...

Ah, Youth

2007-09-25T20:25:00.000-07:00

Lately I feel like I need to do something really immersive in a good old fashioned "days of my youth" style. This weekend I think I'm going to end up at home most of the weekend, after that I'll be on the run almost every weekend until November, so it's sort of now or never. I've narrowed it down to a few suitable activities:

1) Outer Limits Marathon - I used to love that show. I bet I still have a couple VCDs full of old episodes I could watch. Not the Mark Hamil one tho, that one was too sad.
2) Late 80s/Early 90s Movie Marathon - Stuff like Princess Bride, Labyrinth, Legend, Dark Crystal... Ferris Bueller, Maybe some Molly Ringwald action...
3) Tree Climbing - I realized I haven't climbed a tree in forever (unless you count the steampunk treehouse at Burning Man) and I used to climb at least one tree every day.
4) Bike Ride Picnic - Fill up a backpack with fresh produce and maybe some whole grain bread or crackers, get lost on my bike, stop when I find someplace suitable and eat. Then get unlost.
5) Blanket Fort Night - I haven't even attempted to build a blanket fort in my room and I've lived in there for almost a year now.
6) Oldstyle Video Game Day - I'll have to dust off my Atari, or maybe an afternoon with Maniac Mansion, or a Street Fighter II Tournament. I'll have to enlist Jaime's help for that 'cause he has all the cool button pad things...

Help me decide! (Or, help me decide which thing to do first. Now that I look at them I think I might have to do all of them... as time permits.) Also, if you help me pick, you are invited to join me... now there's an incentive if I ever heard one.

Ok also, I took Fall outside to try to get some better pictures and I think I actually got one that's sort of good... (P.S. the detail and shimmery overlay on this is a silver tone, not gold, even though it kind of always looks gold in the pictures.)

Questions?
Comments?
User Ideas?
Tips?
Tricks?

Lets hear 'em!

Fall

2007-09-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

So this is the latest. It's pop like Heather and kind of silly, and completely impossible to photograph. What do you think?

Do you all see your colors in there?

Currently listening:
Limb
By Justin Clayton
Release date: 14 September, 1999

If wishes were fishes

2007-09-23T17:14:00.000-07:00

I really need to invest in a personal audio recorder. Maybe I should start carrying blank MDs and Mini-D's microphone so that I can talk to myself and actually have some idea what I said later on when I'm sitting in front of my computer.

On my drive home this evening I had a thought. It was about wishes.

There's a tunnel on the Northbound side of the freeway, at the Gaviota pass. Every time I drive through it I hold my breath and make a wish. I realized today that my wishes have gone through so many stages. When I was a kid I'd wish for things. Stuff that I didn't have, that my family couldn't afford, or money. Very specific wishes for a girl who had very specific wants, drowning in naïvité. I'd wish on shooting stars, I'd wish in tunnels... I'd search for four leaf clovers in the fields at school during recess, even though I think those are just lucky. Last time I checked they don't grant wishes.

I can't say that much has changed. I still wish on falling stars, and while driving through tunnels. The last chance I had to spend any time sitting amongst the clover flowers, I'm positive I checked all of the closest clovers for four-leaf-edness.

So, what do I wish for now, you wonder. (At least, I'd guess you're wondering that right now.) Now I wish for things that aren't easily defined. I wish for my mom. I wish that she finds the happiness she deserves. I wish for my friends, because they are all amazing people and they deserve to have whatever it is that makes them feel complete. I wish for myself.

It's the wishes I make for myself that are the most varied. Sometimes I wish that I could trust myself more. I wish that I knew when to go with my instincts and when I'm just being crazy. I wish that I could feel strong. I wish that I could hold my head up and believe that no matter what is, or what has been, that my life is what I make of it. I wish that I would feel more comfortable in my own skin.

The more I make these wishes, the harder it gets to think of something to wish for. It seems like every time, I wish, and then I realize that in order to make my wish come true, the only thing I need is myself. I can hold my own hand. I can pick myself up when I'm down. Nobody knows what will make me feel better the way that I do. Granted, sometimes it's a bit difficult to come face to face with the fact that I am responsible for my own happiness, but I'm learning and I think I'm doing a pretty good job of growing as I go along.

So tell me, what do you wish for?

Currently listening: Californication By Red Hot Chili Peppers

Release date: 08 June, 1999

Field of Golden Intentions

2007-09-20T22:48:00.000-07:00

Ok now it's done:

I've got birds on my ear and a devil on my shoulder. The birds told me to save it and try to put together "a body of work" so that I can whore my art around town and try to get "a showing." The devil says to try to sell it online 'cause I like money. Yet again, I don't know what to do.

Currently listening:
Glycerine
By Bush
Release date: 21 January, 1997

Fields of Gold

2007-09-20T00:04:00.000-07:00

This isn't done yet. I started working on it in April and just got inspired to work on it again while I was waiting for my group painting project to dry so I could start on another layer.

I hit a snag with my planning phase when my sketch pen died so I'm just kind of going for it here, which isn't what I usually do... but it appears to be working, as this isn't even done yet and I'm already madly in love with it. (The photo is slightly distorted and cropped cause it's a photo, not a scan, so don't be too harsh.)

What do you think?

Currently listening:
Speak for Yourself
By Imogen Heap
Release date: 01 November, 2005

Painting Project

2007-09-19T20:03:00.000-07:00

I think, somehow, that the sight of a billion different colors this evening at Sephora inspired me to paint when I got home. As is often my way, I failed to make more than a handful of decisions on my own. I got out the paints, a fresh canvas, and got started. After my initial slop of random black squishyness was laid down, I realized that I had no idea where I wanted to go from there.

This is when the idea of a group inspired painting hit me. I grabbed Merlin and texted a bunch of my bestest friends and asked them to each pick a color. As the texts came in, I sifted through my tubes of color and sloshed the paint onto the canvas. Now as I sit here waiting for it to dry, I think it really turned out perfectly. There are a few more layers I intend to add to it, so if you have yet to respond to my text message, you still should. (Or if I missed you in my mass text, or might not have your number you should post your color suggestion here.)

I'll post pictures when it's done. Thanks for the help and inspiration. :)

Currently listening: Say It Right By Nelly Furtado

Release date: 26 March, 2007

Irony

2007-09-18T16:02:00.000-07:00

I know, two posts in one day... it's been that kind of day.

I did not take this picture, but I did love this installation:

It's always out there, on the horizon, and that's all there is to it.

Currently listening:
Infinity on High
By Fall Out Boy
Release date: 06 February, 2007

"Sleep" or "Why I’m Usually Up All Night" plus special bonus features!

2007-09-17T23:35:00.000-07:00

I saw this today and it reminded me of my ongoing internal battle about my projection alarm clock. I'm sure a few of you have gone through this more than enough times as well.

I really have to take a count of all the tiny lights around my room again... and disassemble my fire alarm to look for cameras...

Next topic: Holidays.

This past weekend I witnessed a rather large celebration in progress in Santa Maria. It appears that this event was large enough to warrant the closure of at least one street in the Town Center area, and the erection of a large stage for crazy loud music of a Mexican nature. (Yes, I said "erection.")

I hear it was Mexican Independence day. I heard it all the way from my mom's house, about a mile away.

So, as we discussed, I think if we're going to go so far as closing of city streets and big celebrations for foreign national holidays, you can't just go leaving out all of the other countries and their holidays. Keith wants to celebrate Bastille Day. I'd love to have an extra day off in July, so why not. I bet we could set up a stage someplace downtown and blast French pop-rock all afternoon. Chelsea says we should have Boxing Day off. I don't really understand what the deal is with the "boxing" but, I'll take another day off after "Christmas."

Can we put it to a vote and just add an extra holiday every couple years or something? C'mon, who wouldn't vote for an extra day off every year? Think of how many department stores could have Bastille Day sales! It'd be fantastic, if you're into that...

Also, per Chelsea:

Toothpick Deck.

That is all.

Currently listening:
Limb
By Justin Clayton
Release date: 14 September, 1999

Milk and Honey

2007-09-17T12:23:00.000-07:00

This is another one of those that I usually start with an apology. I'll just get right into it this time.

He says "tired" but I don't think that has anything to do with it. Alone has always been the issue, but not in that way. Do I have the sense to be afraid? Lately, no. Is it sensible to be afraid? Probably not. I push myself, not because of fear, but because I haven't reached that point (hopefully I never will) where I can't see that my fears are irrational. Even though it's difficult, I still feel the need to overcome them.

Milk and honey. It's always been that way, it just takes the right angle to see it. I think I've slipped into that angle and now that I realize what I have, I don't know how to handle it. I'm trying common sense, but that isn't even as easy as it sounds. I don't have to fear. I know that it is what I make of it. It will be what I make of it, I just have to stay aware. Like I've said before, it's not about luck. Luck doesn't exist, or as my favorite quote puts it, "Luck is when preparation meets opportunity." As days go by, I realize this is more and more true.

So, about pins and rings and promenades. I think I'll wait. I heard good things come to those who wait, and if I have one thing going for me it's patience.

I remember walking in the rain. I once spoke of cycles and changes. The truth of the matter is, my cycle is five or six years long, and I'm currently sitting at the open mouth of my sixth, and wondering if it could be my last. Maybe this time it'll stick and in five or six years there will be no great earth shaking change. I feel like the person I am right now is so much more stable and learned than all of the girls I've been before.

Milk and honey. I just have to make what I want out of this, and wait for what's coming my way.

Currently listening: As Tall as Lions By As Tall as Lions

Release date: 08 August, 2006

You and Me and All of the People

2007-09-11T21:51:00.000-07:00

I've been having a rough time with things lately. I think I tend to internalize it pretty well, which probably only serves to make the people who are around me often think that I'm a total nutcase, or a braggart. I'm not sure which I'd think I was if I wasn't me.

Tonight as I was driving home from a fantastical hot date I got to thinking about complainers. (People who complain...) I think I'm a bit of a complainer. I don't know if that's any better than some of the alternatives, I mean, I've been annoyed recently at a whole assortment of *ers. My *ers phenomenon will have to wait for a different blog, I don't have enough energy for that size rant at the moment.

Anyway, I started to wonder if people think I complain about some things because I'm trying to brag. I'm not comfortable with that idea, especially considering that ever since the week before I left for Burning Man I've been basically in a suspended state of panic 24/7. (Oddly enough, this state of panic disappeared the moment my boots touched the playa, and returned the moment I stepped out of Celeste's vehicle onto Santa Cruz pavement.)

I had a familiar feeling creep up on me this (and last) week. Something I haven't felt hit me this hard since back in high school. The panic. I let it set in. I had a little anxiety attack followed by what I'd like to think of as an anxiety ripple. It seems that when I start to panic, I start to spew out the reasons why I'm freaking out to anybody who is unfortunate enough to listen. In this case, I'm having issues dealing with the stress of a ton of fun things on my calendar so every time I look at the thing, I start to lose it.

Why stress over a ton of fun things, you ask? Well, this time last year I was struggling with something entirely different. The thing I was struggling with then was the EXACT opposite of what I'm facing now. I don't know what it is exactly. I think it has something to do with the fact that I feel responsible for myself. I feel like I have to attend and participate at all of these things, and make sure I don't contribute to anybody having a bad time. This means I need to be prepared, take care of myself, and make sure I don't let anybody down. I know probably nobody else sees things from this perspective so I bet now I sound more like a nutcase than anything, but really that's the stuff my brain dreams up, and it's what gets me through each day, so I'm not very good at silencing it.

What I've been doing the last few days isn't really very good for me either. I noticed I started trying to turn in, trying to hide. I can't use hiding as my mechanism for dealing with this kind of stress. On the same note, I can't use whining so I need to just cut that out right now.

Just so anyone who reads this and may have plans with me over the next few months is fully aware:

Whatever we have planned, I planned with you because I want to do it. Unless I have a very valid and prove-able reason why I can't do whatever it is we planned to do, you should not, under any circumstances, let me cancel on you. (Unless its something you don't actually want to do, and in that case, I'll leave it up to you.)

So in closing, I'm sorry if I sound like a complete ass, I don't intend to, and please reprimand me if I continue. That is all.

Currently listening: In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3 By Coheed & Cambria

Release date: 22 June, 2004

The Burn

2007-09-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

I SURVIVED!

Not that I thought I wouldn't... it just seemed like many of you thought I wouldn't... but I totally did.

Disclaimer: This blog may contain over 40 photos when I'm done with it. These are but a fraction of the photos I took over the last week. In order to see more photos, or any of the cool stuff I brought home, you have to at least act like you like me and hang out with me in person when my laptop is within reach. This type of action on your part will also grant you access to the more risque stories which will not be included in this or any other blog (of mine.)

Now, I'm going to tell you a story. It's a long one, even with the risque bits removed. Please enjoy it, or don't, but if you don't, then you can just eff right off.

Let's start with Friday, the longest day in the history of me. Scotty P. I have not forgotten that you completely lied to me and made this work day a very sad one because I learned that I can not, in fact, trust you.

So after I learned terrible things about Mr. P.'s trustworthy-ness, I got to leave. I made the two-and-a-half-ish hour drive up to Santa Cruz which was mostly uneventful. When I arrived, a long weekend of... stuff... began.

There were Planet Earth movies, and Hackers movies, and Pick 'n' Pull Jabbas, hiccups and snags in our plans, dinners with sausage ('cause I love me some sausage,) cleaning, more cleaning, shopping, more shopping, more cleaning, packing, sleeping, reading, and then just when I thought it would never happen, leaving.

Some time on Monday after a trip to the DMV and another run in with the Jabbas, and a bunch of that other stuff I just mentioned, we managed to leave on what would become the perilous 10-ish hour drive to Black Rock City.

So, first off, there was the food-tastrophe. One of our cabinets popped open in transit and a jug of juice decided to escape with a box of soy milk. By "escape" I mean "explode all over the floor." After that was cleaned up and we headed further on down the road, we had to stop for water, and discovered another food-tastrophe. Apparently none of us noticed the fridge latch until we arrived at BRC and our guacamole decided to commit suicide by the time we'd hit Reno. So there was another clean-up, and some water shuffling, and we got on our way again.

We stopped at another point for gas and managed to catch the lunar eclipse, which was AMAZING, but unfortunately I don't have any pictures of it. :(

When we finally pulled up at the long and dusty path to the greeters stations, BMIR (the BRC radio station) let us all know, that the man had already been burned by some idiot with a bottle rocket (or some sort of projectile fire) as a prank. Seeing as it was about 4:30 AM on Tuesday, this news definitely made me a little sad. What is Burning Man without the man? (Everything turned out okay, I wasn't sad for that long.)

When I woke up later in the day on Tuesday, Celeste and I went for a ride around the open playa. Now you may all enjoy some photo bits.

This is what our poor burnded man looked like on Tuesday afternoon, right before they tore him down.

We saw the crew setting up the Big Rig Jig, which also looked pretty amazing the next time I saw it, when it was completed (and night time, which I don't have any pictures of for some reason.)

There was also this crazy spinny monkey strobe thing which was really neat during the day, and much neater at night. I got to meet the guy who made this on Saturday night, but we'll get to that when we get to it. Basically it works like one of those old style spinny toys with the slot in the side where you can look through and it looks like the images on the inside of the ring are moving. I can't remember what those things are called now.

Okay, I really loved this. It was seriously fantastic. These bottles were cut and outfitted with mirrors so that they spun in different directions on the dowels they are resting on. The way they were each cut made unique sounds when the wind picked them up, they sparkled so brilliantly, and it sounded just like running water. It was incredible. I want some to set up outside my room so I can pretend like I live next to a babbling brook all the time. This doesn't really go with any of my other "outside my room" fantasies though, so I guess I'll have to wait till I have a bigger room or something. Before I share too much again, moving on.

Then we discovered what I decided to call "The Ewok Treehouse." They were still in the process of building it, so we had to come back later. It has steam whistles and lights in the branches, and you can climb up inside it and look out over the playa. I also want one of these in my back yard.

Then at some point we discovered the Heavy Petting Zoo. This was much more anti-climactic than you're thinking right now. Celeste had herself a grande olde tyme feeling it up anyhow.

Okay and WTF Aaron, why didn't you tell me you were going to do an "art" installation at Burning Man this year?

So then Celeste and I headed back to Prowly. (In case you are not familiar with this term, Prowly is our trailer. She is super sexy and we love her.) By this time, Mike was up, and the two of them headed out for a little exploratory time. I decided not to stick around camp for my first day there, and headed out on my first solo playa adventure.

I discovered the Death Guild setting up their Thunderdome.

There was definitely some Mad Max shit going on at that camp.

Then I jammed over to Center Camp where I wrote in my journal for a bit, drank some delicious lemonade, and watched some live musical acts.

Chelsea, this man, he should be your idol.

Maybe not 'cause of his outfit, but his skill with that violin was nearly enough to bring me to tears multiple times.

After his set was over, this woman got on. Her name is Belinda Blair.

Okay, she gets props for having a drummer who looks like Shia LeBeouf (and is therefore cute in a man-boy sort of way) but as soon as she stopped playing covers (which was after the 2nd song of her set) she was seriously grasping at straws, and it was painful to listen to. Honestly, her rendition of "I Wanna Be Gangbanged By You" to the tune of Marilyn Monroe's "I Wanna Be Loved By You" (so re-done because she was told not to play any more covers) was one of the most terrible things I've ever seen on a stage. (...and I've seen Steve-O live before. He eats glass, paints his face with his mouth-blood, and then drinks his own urine as his intro.)

Also while I was at Center Camp, I bonded with some random guy who had the same exact journal as me, another random guy traded me a hug for a bracelet, and a gorgeous naked blonde woman fed me grapes from the vine. They were the most delicious grapes I've ever tasted. Not just because she was naked, but that might have helped. She said they were from her neighbors garden. I bet she has lucky neighbors.

It was also on this day that for the first time in my entire life, I put on a two-piece bathing suit, and absolutely loved it.

That night we headed out to see what was going on. I heard some tales of "domes" which were supposedly "going off" but they were nowhere to be found. Also, this is the night when I received an Infraction Notice, and subsequent spanking. The welts and bruises from this spanking are still clearly visible, but again, if you want the more risque stories and photos you'll have to follow the above instructions. For now, satisfy yourselves with a picture of my Infraction Notice.

After that I got a chance to take a picture of the Ewok Treehouse at night, which looks like this:

And then, the Thunderdome:

After the Thunderdome, I found this area with fun fire and flameyness. I'm a bit of a pyro myself so I had to stand and watch for a bit.

Then it was time for the big round Cubatron.

MY PHOTOS CAN NEVER DO THIS THING JUSTICE. NO PHOTO EVER COULD.

You just have to know that before you look at it. Also, I want one of these in my big backyard. The Cubatron is this giant round arrangement of lights. It's quite tall, and each little bulb on this apparatus is capable of producing ANY color light from white right on through to the palest and darkest shades of every color you can imagine.

Here it is all decked out in green:

Here it is all multi-color fabulous:

If you watch through some of the programming they have set up on this bad boy, it does some seriously crazy amazing things. Everything from square dancing people, to spiders, and even some sort of optical illusion color strobe madness. It's incredible. I just can't do it justice. Also at some point in this evening, we rode a birthday cake. There will be a picture of that later.

Moving on to Wednesday:

Wednesday was our camp happy hour night. By the time we all got up and going, it was nearly time for camp activities, so I spent most of my afternoon writing letters and hanging out around our shade structure dome. (I'll have to tell you all about the dome-tastrophies later.) Around 6PM we all got our formal wear on and started up our crazy camp activities.

WELCOME TO BOB BARKERS FUN & GAMES CAMP

Celeste and Mike put their best formal gear to the test. They look hot-hot-hot!

There will be more pictures later when I get my hands on Celeste's pictures. I'll have to post a filler blog with just photos in it when I do.

So I had a crazy great time pretending to be "Bob Mothafuckin' Barker" for about an hour at our Drinko game (after Celeste and I repaired it with our crafty utility knives and my super glue, along with the help of some tall guys.) I got to heckle and laugh with some random people who were cruising by, and everybody enjoyed Drinko. (Who wouldn't like a game you can't lose, when the prizes are all free booze-a-licious drinks?) I also got to meet a few great guys who were staying at a camp down the street. They all had matching green mohawks, and I wish now that I had gotten their contact info, because they were seriously cool people and it'd be awesome to hang out with them again next year, if they're around.

Then we decided to bail on the camp after dark and see what sort of trouble we could get into out in the open. By this time, I don't know how many drinks I'd had, but apparently I though it'd be fun to take a few silly pictures of the moon through our shade structure, among other things. Here, enjoy my intoxication with me:

(Sorry Chelsea's Mom. I know I'm bad, mmkay?)

Okay enough of that. We headed out into the open after this, and I was saddened to find that there was still no man. There was, however, an art car which would quickly become my 'favorite art car.' The camp responsible for it was called Garagemahal, although I wouldn't know this until many days later. As we were riding around on this art car filled with fantastic music, we came across some people riding flaming metal anglerfish.

Celeste and Mike felt the need to get off the art car and dance at least once, and when we finally got off the car, it was at this HUGEMONGOUS structure which I heard was called "The Oilrig." It was at least 7 stories tall, all wood, and you could climb these insane stairs all the way to the top, fill your hands and legs with splinters, and get fantastic photos and videos from the top. It was at this point, that I got to take a picture of the birthday cake art car.

Allow me to put this into some sort of scale for you. I was on top of The Oilrig. The birthday cake was at least as tall as a double-decker bus, at the base of its candles. All those sparkly lights in the background, that's part of Black Rock City, but not a very big part. I'd say maybe 1/20th.

Moving on to Thursday. Thursday was so dead. During the day we were riddled with crazy dust storms, so I spent the whole afternoon in the trailer writing letters and reading. That night, everything we heard was "going off" was not going anywhere, let alone off. This was the night that I decided that "going-off domes" are a myth. There is no such thing as a going-off dome.

Anyway, the only pictures I took that night were of the temple, which was also an incredible structure, made entirely of unfinished wood. It reminded me of dollhouse remnants, all pieced together into this breathtaking structure.

So, people use the temple as a place to let go. You can write and draw on it, messages and affirmations, leave photos and memoirs, bits and pieces of things for people and personal things you'd like to let go or see off, and it all burns with the temple on Sunday night.

It felt like a privilege to enter such a sacred space. I was humbled by its magnificence. So much energy, in so many ways, it was really amazing.

Friday brought more storms. Both of dust and rain. Friday brought something else too though. It brought a man. Not just any man either, THE man.

After all the dust and rain cleared, we all stepped outside to survey the damage to our camp. This would be the appropriate place for me to tell you about our dometastrophies.

First of all, on Monday, before I even arrived, a huge dust storm lifted our first dome off of the ground, blew it over one of our camp leaders, and into a neighboring camp, destroying the windows and doors on one side of one of their vehicles. The dome was retrieved and more firmly anchored, but it never quite recovered. Our second dome was constructed with a few pieces out of order, and looked a bit more like an igloo than a dome really. At some point in either the storm on Thursday or Friday, the first dome collapsed and had to be condemned.

Poor dome. We are all grateful for the shade and also disco fever that you were able to provide while your metal legs held you up for us. You will be missed.

While I was out surveying the damage, I decided to take some pictures of the crazy storm clouds as they passed. With these, you also get a few good shots of our surrounding camps, but keep in mind, this is after two days of devastation from the storms.

As you watch Celeste march off into the sunset, note the ONLY martini glass capable of getting all people who sleep in Prowly home safe every night.

The Blue Martini Light of Destiny!

The neighboring camp behind us (Toxic Martini Camp) had this blue light on every night. It was so close to Prowly and such a unique shade of blue that I could pick it out from almost anywhere on the playa and use it to guide us home.

So as we're wandering around checking out what's still standing, it seemed as though something smiled upon us all. One of the most beautiful scenes I've ever beheld appeared before us.

As with so many things, my words can not describe the magnificence of this double rainbow. Though weak, the top band displayed all seven colors rumored to be included in a rainbow. The bottom band showed all seven and more. There were at least 5 more rows of blue and purple radiating down out of the stronger rainbow. It was unlike anything I have ever seen in my entire life. It took everything I had to go find my camera because all I wanted to do was stand and gaze at this glorious apparition. I doubt I'll ever see anything quite like it again.

That night was my first night on the playa with the man lit up in all his green man glory.

I decided that he sort of looks like he's wearing a diaper. After some group discussion on the matter, we determined that this must be because he already burned, and rose from his ashes, therefore, he is the man - reborn. So since he just got re-born, he must be a man-baby, and that's why he's wearing a diaper.

Either way, I was thrilled that he was back.

So we toured the playa under the light of the man. One stop we made was back at the crazy Thunderdome.

This really beautiful goth lady sang opera like you rarely hear. She had a voice like an angel, and totally mimicked that crazy blue opera lady from the 5th Element like it weren't no thang.

Then it was fight time. I have some pretty ok video of at least one fight, and these pictures:

This little lady totally kicked the shit out of Mr. Shirtless Dude. I suppose he probably deserved it.

Also, I saw some more crazy fire art that I really liked.

You can see the man in the background. Just so everyone is aware, if you want to impress me, and you can manage it without destroying yourself or anybody's personal property, the way to go is fire and wings. I'm almost always impressed. Especially if the fire bursts forth from the top of metal trees. This shit was super-radical. Plus it sounded like the fireswamp when the fire would burst out of the trees, and you know I could live comfortably there for quite a while, as soon as I find me a Dread Pirate Roberts.

Friday night Paul Oakenfold was playing at the Opulent Temple. What I did catch of that was fantastic, but I was super drained from the elements and such, so I called it an early night, some time around 2 AM.

Saturday is the night of the burn. You can see a few pictures I've selected, but I think I may follow in Celeste's footsteps and not allow any non-participants to see the actual burn.

First the man raises his arms because he's just so darn excited about the prospect of being charred, again. Then a shit-ton of people crowd around him and dance around with crazy fire. I'd eventually like to learn how to do this fire dancing and participate in this part of the man-burning-ritual.

Then, people protest in order to try to save him. Where the hell were they on Monday night???

Then the colorful fire fun begins and they burn him anyway.

AND IT WAS A THRILL TO WATCH!
(Does that make me a bad person? He's not a reeeeaaaall man...)

Okay so the rest of that night I almost spent back in the Prowly cause I was tired, but they were going to burn the massive Oilrig structure so I went back to Prowly, changed into my yeti fur gear, and headed out alone. I ended up hopping on a dinosaur looking art car, and hitching a ride far far away from my camp, out to the structure. On the way I hung out with some seriously funny and probably slightly intoxicated people, most of them guys rocking the shaved head look. I swear, if I had been anywhere other than Burning Man, I might have needed to be scared, but I figured it was probably just another exercise in camp uniformity, like the guys with the green mohawks. Anyway, we drove far far away from my camp, out to the Oilrig structure where I found... my old favorite art car! Garagemahal was parked and poised for the next burn, so I hopped on and hung out with them for a bit. All I plan on saying about the structure fire right now is, it was the most massive column of fire after the most spectacular fireworks display that I've ever seen in my entire life. Again, there will be pictures later on when I get them from Celeste.

So then Garagemahal decides that its an "our camp only" night on their art car, and just as one of them decided I should probably not qualify to stay on the car because I was not with their camp, their captain said it was cool if I stayed on the car cause he remembered me from a few nights before when we hung out with them. I ended up riding around on that car for hours, and the DJ they had that night was ROCKING that thing. I've never seen a double decker bus with a crows nest bump like that, ever. I loved every minute of it. They were all really nice and friendly, we talked about every sort of crazy subject you could imagine, and nobody went thirsty, including me. So some time around 3 I decided I should probably skip off of the art car and make my way back to camp, only, by this point my bike was nowhere nearby, so I'd have to walk.

It was on this walk that I met up with a slightly intoxicated tall guy with a mohawk who at first accused me of stealing his bike. Obviously if I had stolen his bike, I would have been riding it, instead of walking, so I defended myself thusly, and we ended up wandering around the Esplanade, barhopping, looking for missing bikes, checking for bedtime stories on the Bookmobile and having a generally unacceptable amount of fun. He was genuinely adorable, although that seems like the sort of word that any guy with a mohawk would hate to hear being used to describe him.

I'm not sure how it happened but after that night, I have to admit there is a certain soft spot in my little heart for all the adorable guys with their colorful mohawks, and all the (also adorable) guys rocking the bald look. (However, they have to qualify as adorable first, cause seriously that one guy from the other night who was just trying to get on anything willing with tits was scary.)

So sometime around 5:30 AM I ended up back at our camp, climbed into bed in my prison bunk, and fell asleep listening to the one song I listened to over and over every night of my burn.

Sunday afternoon when we woke up, we decided that we were all ready to go, even though it meant we'd miss the temple burn. We packed up Prowly, and handled our chores around the camp, then spent a jillion hours trying to make our way off of the playa. We finally arrived in Santa Cruz around sunrise this morning, and I helped get all of the perishables out of Ms. Prowly, packed up my car and drove home. I stopped by the post office in SLO to find that I have a package to pick up which wouldn't fit in my PO Box, but since it's a holiday, I'll have to go pick it up tomorrow.

Surprisingly enough, I've been awake and cleaning off all my stuff since then. I took my bike and car over to the car wash and sprayed the shit out of them to get all the playa dust off. That bike looks even better now than it did when I bought it.

This all just leaves me wondering when I'll be tired next.

So to recap my first burn:

Sunburns: 0
Tans: 0.5
Black Eyes: 1
Bruises: Too many to count.
Hand Shaped Welts: 1
Broken Bones: Possibly 1, my nose is questionable, it still hurts.
Cuts and Scrapes: Way too many to count.
Splinters: 3
Good times: Too many to count.

I'm homesick already. How many days till the man burns?

Currently listening:
Extraordinary Machine
By Fiona Apple
Release date: 04 October, 2005

Elementary School to the Rescue

2007-08-20T12:38:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking on far too many subjects. My latest realization is that things were far simpler in elementary school.

I mean, I never made it to class on time even though I lived less than a mile from school. I hated brushing my hair, but I loved to let my mom brush it. (For some strange reason this is still true, I love when other people brush my hair. I know, I'm a weirdo.) I wore shorts underneath my dresses so that I could take off my stupid tights, tuck my skirt in, and play like one of the boys. (Let's not rehash that time when I got knocked out by the football though, I really can't handle that right now. Most embarrassing moment of my life, true story.) I got busted for seriously mischievous debauchery and managed to talk myself out of a suspension to the point where, they didn't even have to call my mother, and all before 3rd grade. (Really that was pretty fantastic as I'd managed to cause a great deal of damage to a few of the staff's cars, and also to one of the girls bathrooms.)

Anyway, I got to thinking about interpersonal relationships and how those have changed (at least, for me they have) since grade school. How many among you recall the days when romantic relationships could be boiled down to this:

Granted, some of the shyer kids would never have the guts to write up such a note, and other shy kids would never have the guts to honestly answer one. Really though, how many times do you wish you could pass one of these out and get an honest answer back? Doesn't this clearly beat those lame myspace bulletins in its directness? I don't want to know how, where, and what you'd be wearing, just if the potential exists. Let everything else go on its own from there.

This got me to thinking about how you could apply this kind of directness to the rest of your life. There is a wealth of information that could be gleaned by simple, honest yes or no answers to some pretty straight-forward questions. For example:

I feel like you could learn a lot about a person based on their answer to this note. Don't you? A "yes," "no," or "wtf?" would speak volumes.

Then I got to thinking, even though the potential exists to learn a great deal about people this way, just imagine how many scenarios you could get a decisive resolution to with one of these notes as well. Got a friend who's being wishy-washy on some tentative plans you've arranged? Know someone who just hasn't had time in the crazy business before a major event to get back to you? It's easy, take the grade school approach:

I should write life coach seminar scripts or something.

Then again, I couldn't bring myself to write a life coach seminar script that didn't include ninjas and squirrels.

So lets get some answers people. I've posted my notes here, what do you say?

Currently listening:
Hold Your Colour
By Pendulum
Release date: 26 July, 2005

Peer Pressure & Ranch Dressing

2007-08-16T12:47:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in that situation where it's better to just commit yourself to standing in an insanely long line, because no matter where else you go you'll find similar lines, and eventually end up waiting, wading through the line ride with everybody else?

I feel like I'm in that line right now. It's not exactly the best place to be, but no matter where else I go, I'll probably find similar crap, so why not just stay?

It's really the issue of waiting, I suppose. Who likes waiting? Nobody. Granted, I do enjoy anticipation, to a certain extent, but that's not really the same thing. Eventually something good has to stay. Or at least not scare me into running away, or turn out to be a total farce. I'm just tired of waiting until it happens, or I find it, or recognize it in what I already have.

I'm coming up on my last weekend before Burning Man, and I seriously am losing control of myself. I think part of my issue is my inherent need to categorize things which cannot be easily categorized. That along with the fact that I haven't had a real vacation in years.

So let me ask you this:

I just found a blade of grass in my salad. Not some kind of frou-frou lettuce, actual real grass like the kind you play tag on and make whistles out of. Is it a bad thing that I was totally okay with the idea of eating it?

Currently listening: Stay on My Side Tonight By Jimmy Eat World

Release date: 04 October, 2005

The Light & The Glass

2007-08-14T16:03:00.000-07:00

I feel that it is important sometimes to remind everyone of a few things. The one I'd like to highlight today is this:

Contrary to popular belief, the world does indeed revolve around the sun. I know you are the star of your own movie, but seriously... The sun, a celestial body, not an earthly body, and definitely not your earthly body.

And now for a musical interlude:

Slowly the pen touches paper

In the guidance of the words that you write

Memories roll in of the things you once did

And who you had shared them with

Is somebody thinking of you

Did I bother telling you this

With the words that cross teeth and jump lips

A poor choice of words in wanting to tell you anything

But words don't come with ease

They're forever my hurt

Would it really matter

If you were to count the days left with your hands

Your focus secure and the loves you left well

Smiles staged in photographs here until...

You... you left the light on

There's a chance I might have tripped girl

You were there to hold on

Ignoring the words of your obnoxious little brother

Kill or be killed spilled the words from your mother

I'll lay awake for a while

I'll leave the light on a while

You couldn't last a lifetime

Caught between here and the days of it

Carving her name across your arm

With every wish it's hit or miss her

I told you so

I measure distance in lines

Departing the rest of my life

But you (you, you) had better things to do

...liar...

You couldn't last a lifetime

Caught between here and the days of it

Carving her name across your arm

With every wish it's hit or miss her

I told you so

I measure distance in lines

Departing the rest of my life

If you get put to sleep

Like an old dog you're better off

If you get put to sleep

I've been cautious with the words I extend

Allow this year before the world starts to end

Your father's dead he passed in his sleep

And I woke to the sounds of her crying

Your father's dead he passed in his sleep

Pray for us all...

(Courtesy of Coheed & Cambria - The Light & The Glass)

Currently listening: In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3 By Coheed & Cambria

Release date: 22 June, 2004

Paint By Number - Another Excerpt from Nothing

2007-08-08T18:44:00.000-07:00

She touches pen to paper but is unsure where to begin. Does one start with the earliest memory of him? Is that a fair place to begin, considering that he wasn't of her choosing? She decides it is, and so it goes.

"Him…" she hasn't much to go from. "He was charming, cunning, devious, possibly soulless. Soulless – devoid of a soul? If such things exist in any one being, it is surely so that they may not exist in others. Do I have a soul? Would I guess I had one? If so, where does it go when I leave this place? Who can be sure?"

"You're getting ahead of yourself," she thought, and resumed her original writing.

"So in the first, a terrible choice," though not her own. "Skip ahead a bit, this surely can't be the right way to proceed."

"One. I'll call him One as he was first of my choosing. Such innocence, along with the closest thing to ultimate humiliation that I've ever felt. Still, with such fondness I recall such bitter memories.

"Two. So many years later. How he resembled One, and how others resemble him. Such a silly girl I was, that road was never meant to be traveled with one hand. So impressed with him, but for what. That place was so terrible.

"Three. Nearly my greatest mistake. Interestingly enough, I still find myself lying about this. I try to suppress it but it always haunts me. In that house, that terrible house. Never again. How strange that Three is also number one. Three was always my lucky number, but not this time."

She paused to wipe a tear from her eye. Funny, she always found the strangest opportunity to let her emotions run free.

"Four. Better than Three, but why couldn't you just be yourself? I still don't know why I refused to speak. So much potential, in a land so amazingly rich and vibrant, just waiting for you… Still, you have to be glad for where you are. Not necessarily make lemonade from lemons, but be glad that you have lemonade if you do. Four was number two.

"Five. Five was nearly my undoing. So charming, so devious, and so possibly soulless. It would figure you would let one such as Him nearly undo you. Five, he was also number three. Again with your lucky three doing you wrong.

"Six is number four. Follow that trend through to Nine who is number seven. They all meant nothing. A social experiment if you will. Nine had potential, looked strikingly like One, seemed to enjoy my company, I don't know why he didn't follow through, or why I didn't either. I think it was rejection. I felt it, and I don't warm to that. If they're not interested, turn yourself off like a switch. I wonder if that's actually saved me from anything, or just led to me missing out on things. Who knows. No way to tell now.

"Ten. Alas, I've reached number eight."

Suddenly she set the pen down. There was so much to ponder here. Ten is so much like Him, it's actually painfully frightening.

She decided where to resume her scribbling and began again.

"Ten is just like Him. Sweet as could be at first, charming, egotistical, and very self-centered. You don't realize at first that you're being led down this path, the same path I took with Five. That one where all of a sudden years have passed and you realize you've been modifying the way you think and act all for the benefit of the one who you supposedly love, and who supposedly loves you back. Then you draw yourself out and put a stop to everything, and realize that his recoil is so terrifying you can't imagine how you didn't see it before. It's so nauseating that you can't even look at Ten without seeing Him, and he begins to disgust you more than anything.

"So where does that leave me?"

"Well, Nine keeps calling, and you don't return his phone calls because you turned that off ages ago. Ten keeps alluding to secrets and shared moments that now make you feel this ultimate repulsion. Everything that was once, is now gone."

"I suppose, that makes it about time to find Eleven. To quote someone, though I can't remember who: Luck is where preparation meets opportunity. It's about time I made sure I'm prepared. I'll know an Eleven when I see him, unless he sees me first."

Currently listening: Speak for Yourself By Imogen Heap

Release date: 01 November, 2005

The touch, the feel

2007-08-06T18:09:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not referring to cotton. I may, however, be referring to the fabric of our lives. I don't know. What follows will most likely not make much sense, so as I have before, again I apologize in advance.

I'm so conflicted. I honestly don't know why I allow myself to get to the point where I feel like this. Then again, I don't know how to keep myself from getting to this point, so I guess that could have something to do with it. I feel like something important is missing from my life. Maybe more than one thing. I don't know but something is wrong.

What is important? These days, I'm just not so sure. I know what's been important in the past, even if now I'm not sure why. I know some of the things which I think are important are things that I really want but can't have (at least not for a while) without complicating my life to a point where I become uncomfortable. I know that there are also plenty of things that I don't want but can't manage to put behind me, and they make everything else more complicated because I might be a smidge too worried about what other people think to put a stop to any of them.

Should I let fear sway my course? Should I summon the courage to be a total hardass about everything, let all of my feelings rest, and logically attack the things that make me feel like my life is not under my control? If that is the right thing to do, how do I get myself around worrying about what other people will do or think when I summon my emotion-free courage and start putting an end to these things that make my life less than what I want it to be?

I suppose for now I'll let things be. I think right now I should focus on what I need for upcoming events, more than I allow myself to think about anything else, and see if I can get myself through this by dumping tons of busy-work on my plate.

Like I said before, I doubt this makes sense, but if it does, what do you think I should do?

Currently watching: Troy (Two-Disc Widescreen Edition)

Release date: 04 January, 2005

The Happiest Place on Earth

2007-07-28T01:35:00.000-07:00

Now I think I know what a few of you are going to say in response to this but until I'm able to verify things for myself, these are my views, and I'm entitled to them. (I am also entitled to this space which I will use to spout them freely.)

You know those commercials. Everybody knows those commercials. The ones where Clint Eastwood and Arnold Governator get on TV and tell you how great California is, and then an ancient and leather-like Terri Hatcher pops up with Mickey and Minnie and you can't help but remember that the happiest place on earth is supposedly full of mice and costs $100 to get into for a day.

These commercials make me wonder about things. First of all, after all the crap I've heard about Clint Eastwood and his motivation for mayor-ness having to do with some vanity sign he wanted, Arnold Governator with his horrific slur of "San Looeeeeobippo" after the earthquake, and... well Terri Hatcher just looks like a mess (probably from all the botox or whatever she's done to herself), I don't know if she is one... After all that, I'm just not sure I can trust the opinions of a bunch of rag-tag freaks when it comes to the best place to live/visit/become mayor/governor of/get botox in. In my opinion, after the other states I've lived in and visited, California is definitely the one I want to live in. I'd still consider Washington, but I'd have to be in or near Seattle and the Canadian border to even let that thought cross my mind.

Secondly, this "happiest place on Earth" bullshit... If somebody really did discover what it was that made a place the happiest place on this entire chunk of space-debris, I highly doubt that it would have anything to do with plague rats wearing white gloves and suspenders. As I discovered recently, the things I tend to get the most joy from are all in one place. Can you guess where that place is?

No, Scott, it's not VREO. I love my job. I really really really really do love my job, but it's not the place I'd choose to be if I had oodles of free time and no obligations.

I know Celeste, I'm sure I'll be saying that in about a month too, but I haven't been there yet so no that can't be my answer either.

Monica, I've never even been to Alaska, or Germany.

And don't even suggest the F&P Heather, you know better.

Anyway, it's my room.

I noticed that the only thing I want to do most of the time when I get off of work, is go home so I can get back to my little safe area. Nothing seems to deter me from this either. For example, this week several days I've had plans after work. Even though the stuff I have planned is fun, the whole time I'm thinking "Can I go home yet? I just want to be home." Not that I don't have fun while I'm out, but it's like this weird calling in my little heart somewhere that just wants to be back in my room.

Yesterday I sat on my bed and sewed myself a pair of the awesomest shorts anybody's ever seen. The whole time I was awkwardly sitting on my bed working the foot pedal of my sewing machine at times with my knee, and even though it was a strange thing to be doing, and a strange way to be doing it, I was having a blast. Today I had the freedom of spending money on things I need for Burning Man, and I didn't even want to do it, I just wanted to go home and sew more stuff.

Nearly everything I find joy in is here. My computer which connects me to so many of my friends, my strangely alert and entertaining slithery first mate Dharma, my oddly random music collection, more books than the Santa Maria Public Library could house in their children's room, all of my random knick-knacks. Every possession that I adore, I can find here.

The strange thing is, as I grow as a person, I realize how little all these possessions are truly worth. I'd burn it all in a heartbeat for the safety of any one of my close friends. So I find this interesting mix of joy and embarrassment for feeling this way about material things. I seriously love my stuff. My stuff makes me really happy and well adjusted. I think the difference between what I am and what the spoiled, materialistic people who I despise are is found in that tiny speck of embarrassment, but somehow that's all it takes. Then again, no one person can round me out as quickly as an hour spent with my nose tucked in a book, or with my eyes closed and the right music blasting on my stereo.

Does this mean that in order to be happy and well adjusted I need to have a ton of stuff? Maybe not. The more I think about it the more I think this means that I use these things to make myself feel better, so maybe it's not all the stuff, maybe it's just me. So in that case, does that make the inside of my head the happiest place on earth?

For me, I think the answer there is yes.

No, you can't get in for a day with $100. Ok well, maybe if you're really really cute...

Currently listening: My Brother's Blood Machine By The Prize Fighter Inferno

Release date: 31 October, 2006

Eat Up, Drink Up, Dress Up, Grow Up

2007-07-18T16:22:00.000-07:00

How many things I've wanted to say. I've tried and it always comes out wrong. I feel like I'm going through this learning/adjusting/growing phase and it's really hard for me to know what to expect from myself. Lately it's just been a lot of surprises.

For example:

I've learned that I am in the midst of this strange adjustment period between being a "grown up" and being a "kid" (I use the "" because I don't feel like these are the right terms but it's the best I can come up with right now.)

I have this conversation with Scott all the time and it never ceases to surprise and delight me when I notice the things I do that make it true. I call it the "Eat Up, Drink Up, Dress Up, Grow Up" phenomenon.

Eat Up...

When you're young, you have this different approach and outlook on life. These are the things I've noticed, but it may not be true for everyone. I remember a time when I had first moved out on my own (with roommates) and all I ate was fast food and top ramen, in the form of shrimp flavored cuppa-noodles. I remember days when I would actually decide that Le MacDo or BK Lounge sounded good for lunch.

Ask me now when the last time I tasted top ramen was. I wouldn't be able to give you an answer. Ask me what I want for lunch; I will never suggest fast food. (Not even when I'm feeling lazy, or out of town. I don't even consider that stuff food anymore. It's weird.)

Drink Up...

When I became old enough to drink I was in a place in my life where "peer pressure" made drinking kind of unacceptable. I always kind of figured that was fine, who needs alcohol anyway right? While that may be true (and I know plenty of people who don't drink, and I don't really drink all that often myself these days) I've found recently that I do enjoy having a drink with meals once in a while, as much as I enjoy getting completely sloshed with friends once in a while, but in a different way. So if I want a damned mimosa with breakfast, I'll have it. It brings a whole new shade to morning orange juice, and I love it. I think an 18 year old me would have totally called 25 year old me a lush. 25 year old me would have stuck my tongue out at 18 year old me and ordered another mimosa just to spite her.

Dress Up...

I used to work in an environment where you weren't allowed to show up for work without socks on. You couldn't wear jeans if it wasn't Friday. T-shirts were completely unacceptable attire at all times. So I dressed up. Every day I dressed up. I hated dressing up.

Now that I've worked for several years in several places where "business casual" means t-shirt and jeans at work is fine, I dress up for fun sometimes. It's the oddest thing. I miss days when Celeste and I would have random dress-up day. It just doesn't feel the same when I'm required to dress up as it does when I do it for fun because I want to. The oddest thing is, I'll complain when I have to dress up for an interview on Monday, and then dress up on Thursday for no reason, because I want to. I can't explain it.

Grow Up...

Does all of this mean that I need to start acting like a grown up? What does a grown up act like anyway? Does it mean that if I want to eat caviar I need to stop serving myself on paper plates in front of my computer screen? Does it mean that I need to give up getting sloshed once in a while with friends, and limit my alcohol intake to mealtimes like a grown up? Does it mean that I should enjoy dressing up every day at work because I'm at work?

As far as I can tell, I should just act like I want to act, do what I want to do, and as long as I'm not hurting anyone, it shouldn't matter. I suppose being a grown up is relative anyway. Caviar and WoW it is, and bring me another mimosa, or twelve.

Currently listening: Frogstomp By Silverchair

Release date: 20 June, 1995

Box of Moonlight, or Souls, or Joy

2007-07-15T14:22:00.000-07:00

After breakfast this morning I decided to get a little shopping done. Only a little, as I just needed to pick up some hair junk and a case for my new... uh... accessories. I was wandering around CVS and a box of something silly caught my attention. This led me to the realization that I know a handful of people who might get some joy out of what is in this box, but I bet not one of them would ever think to buy it for themselves, let alone wander into a CVS looking for it.

Now, obviously, I enjoy sending things to people for fun. Presents for no reason at all other than the fact that I adore these people and they deserve to see some loving sometimes. So I decided I'm going to try to send out a box of something to someone once every month.

THIS PAGE IS YOUR APPLICATION TO RECEIVE A BOX OF FUNTIMES.

Please answer the following questions and also include any additional random information you think will convince me that you should be next to receive a box of fun from me.

1. Do you like tea/coffee? If so what kinds are your favorite?

2. Same questions as above, only alcohol. (Not beer.)

3. How do you feel about monkeys?

4. What about things that glow?

5. If tacks were snacks what would they be made out of?

6. Do you like candy?

7. What are your thoughts on underpants?

8. How do you feel about gnomes?

9. What are you getting me for my birthday/christmas? (Just kidding, I like surprises better.)

Anyway, feel free to respond via comment or message. Response does not guarantee prizes. Also, if I don't have your address, you should give it to me if you expect me to determine that you deserve prizes.

That is all.

Currently listening: As Tall as Lions By As Tall as Lions

Release date: 08 August, 2006

The Drunken Strategist

2007-07-02T14:38:00.000-07:00

Your answers suggest you are a Strategist

The four aspects that make up this personality type are:

Summary of Strategists

Quiet, easy-going and intellectually curious
Use logical, objective thinking to find original solutions to problems
Think of themselves as bright, logical and individualistic
May be impractical, forgetting practical issues, such as paying bills or doing the shopping

More about Strategists

Strategists are quiet people who like to get to the heart of tough problems on their own and come up with innovative solutions. They analyse situations with a sceptical eye and develop ways of measuring everything, including themselves.

Strategists are generally easy-going. They are intellectually curious and enjoy abstract ideas. Sometimes they like thinking of a solution to a problem more than taking practical steps to solve it.

In situations where they can't use their talents, are unappreciated, or not taken seriously, Strategists may become negatively critical or sarcastic. Under extreme stress, Strategists could be prone to inappropriate, tearful or angry outbursts.

Strategists may be insensitive to the emotional needs of others or how their behaviour impacts the people around them.

Strategist Careers

Strategists are often drawn to technical or scientific careers, where specialist knowledge is required. They also seem to enjoy jobs that involve long-term planning, abstract thinking or design.

Also, Scott sent me this today, and it's entirely true:

SCORPIO Drinking style - Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool -- though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

Currently listening:
Short Bus
By Filter
Release date: 25 April, 1995

In Dreams

2007-06-26T08:41:00.000-07:00

When you've had the same dream every night for more than two weeks, at what point do you decide that it's important to take time and figure out what it means? If you're me, you just do your best to forget about it until the meaning comes to you.

It's been two weeks and three days and finally I think I understand the airport.

All this time I've been focusing on the face I can't see, trying to figure out what face should be there, when really all I needed to do was realize that this mystery person isn't anyone, it's everyone.

I think this is a lesson to me that things change, people come and go, and relationships are constantly redefined by the people in them. I need to just make sure that where I am in life is a place where I can be true to what's best for me, and everything will be okay.

That, and I need to find a way to unload all this stress I'm carrying around before it kills me.

Now, normally with my repeat dreams, once I figure out what they mean, they go away. Let's see what happens tonight, shall we?

Currently listening: Eyes Open By Snow Patrol

Release date: 09 May, 2006

Witty Title

2007-06-24T23:30:00.000-07:00

Entertaining theory. Witty commentary. Opinionated remark. Question?

(Hooray for half hour lunches.)

Currently listening: The Second Stage Turbine Blade By Coheed & Cambria

Release date: 12 March, 2002

RELIEF!!!

2007-06-17T23:37:00.000-07:00

O M F G !

Me: Mechanics suck, lemme tell you why. This a-hole who jacked up my transmission and lectured me for vandalizing my vehicle isn't around anymore to fix the horrific leak he left behind. What can you do to restore my faith in mechanics?

Transking Guy: I'll take a look.

** Four and a half hours later **

Transking Guy: Well, when they reattached your transmission to the radiator, they didn't put this fitting on correctly, so I fixed it and added another quart of transmission fluid. That'll be about $35 and you can pick the car up anytime before 5.

HOOOORRAAYYYY!!!!

Currently listening: The Second Stage Turbine Blade By Coheed and Cambria

Release date: 20 September, 2005

Flirting with Consciousness

2007-05-29T15:17:00.000-07:00

I hear, that if God had wanted me to have those holes in my ears, he would have made me with them.

Not that I take any stock in this theory, but over the weekend at some point I got to thinking about it. I think my brain has too much free time, and too much space to ponder. Stick with me, this might get confusing.

So, let's go back a few jillion years. Becca and I were talking last week about how neither of us feels like, had we been born in the middle ages, we would have made a very good housewife type person. We both feel we'd be better suited to more adventurous pursuits, such as piracy or thievery etc. This got me thinking about what I might have been like if I had been born way back when, which led me to the realization, that had there not been a few hundred years of human migration and exploration, the factors that led to my creation would not have been the same, and therefore my exact composition could never have been achieved. To put it simply, there were no Native American/Polish/Portuguese/Welsh people back then.

This got me started thinking about how much effort goes into the creation of any specific person. Would you be here today if your great-great-great-great (etc) grand parents hadn't ever met each other? What about if their ancestral cave-people hadn't ever met up to huddle for warmth in a dark and damp mountain-side dwelling? How far back does your DNA go? What is the true story of our creation back through time so inconceivably far? Think about all the elements over so many years, how if one simple thing had changed, a missed bus, a flat tire, a rainy day... How many things could have happened that would have completely voided your existence today. Then, be grateful that you are here. That circumstances which led to your creation lined up so perfectly and here you are today.

(Now if you want to really freak out, think about this: Everything that you possess which is capable of perpetuating this line, you are carrying with you right now.)

So back to God.

I don't personally believe in the common Christian idea of God. I do believe that there is something greater than singular human consciousness, something that connects us all, an energy that is present in everything. I believe that this energy manifests itself in different ways and can be manipulated by those who are aware of it, aware of themselves, and aware of the consequences of their actions. I believe that if you do not respect this energy and its balance, it will destroy you.

So this weekend I was sitting and thinking about getting a tattoo. I started thinking about my beliefs, and my ability to use my body as a tool to achieve things through the manipulation of energies. I began to wonder if (like many people's mothers say) "defiling" my body with a tattoo would in any way interrupt the abilities I've honed over many years, due to the very permanent nature of such a physical change.

This led me to my final decision on the matter:

This body is my tool. It is my conduit. As with every other tool I use in my work with the energies of this life, it is important that my tools be my own. I personalize everything I use, which improves the responses I receive. All of my implements are harmonized in this way to cater to my own specific needs and balances. To put it simply: if I decide I want seven holes in my ears and one in my nose, that's what I feel is good for me. If I decide I want a permanent reminder of the elements of this life and how my personal energy intertwines with them, then so be it. It all ultimately affects my personal harmony, and as long as it's my decision, I don't see how it's any different than scratching a sigil into a candle, or burning a symbol on a wooden wand.

What do you think?

Currently listening: Speak for Yourself By Imogen Heap

Release date: 01 November, 2005

For my Susie

2007-05-18T14:21:00.000-07:00

Susie posted these questions in her blog. She asked for some feedback so I took it upon myself to answer all of the questions she posted, not just the ones she asked for responses to :P

*Why do people say so many good things about me when all they want from me is to change me?

In my experience, I've noticed that sometimes when this occurs it's partially due to some form of jealousy. They have good things to say because they see something in you that they want to have in or for themselves and they can't achieve that, so they try to take it away from you by suggesting to you that its not good or okay.

*Why do people feel they need to control others (me namely)?

People get off on living vicariously. It's a lot easier to advise someone you know to take a leap you'd never attempt on your own, and then if it doesn't work out you can just step back and let them worry about the damage. On the other hand, if things go well, you get to take the credit for it, and in some way make that person indebted to you. People who do this do it because they can't come to terms with the fact that their own life isn't what they want, so they make themselves feel better by meddling in the lives of others.

*Am I really such a terrible person with huge character flaws that I need to be told how to be?

You're not a terrible person. You're an incredible person and although I can't speak for my strength in character judgement, I've always adored you. See previous question.

*If I have so many things about me that people want to change, why on Earth does anyone waste their time on me?

Sometimes people who think they are strong like to take it upon themselves to better the lives of others. The only problem here is that usually these people can't handle their own lives, so they have no business telling other people what to do with theirs.

*Mobbin it solo; whats the problem with that?

There's nothing wrong with solo time. I happen to love solo time and I don't think I could ever live without it again. People really need to understand that everyone needs time to themselves. Honestly if you can't ever just be ok with yourself when you're alone, how do you expect to have rewarding relationships with other people?

*Sleepin outside; is it so wrong?

I love sleepin' outside. We need to go camping and light a tent on fire again. There's not a damn thing wrong with sleeping in your car either, while I'm on the subject.

*Co-Ed slumber party... does it always have to sound like an orgy is being planned?

No, just some people are too juvanile to understand that not everything is about sex. I used to have guy friends stay over at my house all the time. My mom knew that I was smart and mature, and that my friends were the same, and nothing weird ever happened. Well except that one time when we had that party and Rebekah got hit in the head with a clock, and I left with Freddie to go talk about trust and twins and people named Flumpy, and didn't come back until the next day. That was sort of weird. (Not for me, but for some other people involved.)

*Rockin' like a dirty hippie... come on a little dirt never hurt no one right?

A little dirt, no. A lot of dirt, probably. There's nothing better than getting super grungy and having a damn good time, then coming home to an hour long hot shower and feeling cleaner than the day you were born. (Cause we all know you're not really that clean on your birthday...)

*How hard is it for people to understand that there is a BIG difference between loving and being in love?

Some people haven't ever experienced any solid form of love. This makes it hard to understand the difference. Personally I think there are many degrees of love. Kind of like autism. It's sort of like an umbrella. Being in love is the little poker at the middle that's so much higher than every point on the entire umbrella. You can place the rest of the people in your life in orbit around the rest of the thing, and it'd show in an accurate manner what you feel for them.

*What's up with the male/female double standard?

Which male/female double standard, let me guess. Girls that have lots of partners are whores, guys that have lots of partners are gods? I think it's all bullshit. Honestly if I had the choice I'd rather not get with a guy who claims he's got that kind of record just because the potential for heartache and abuse of trust is so much greater. Then again, all people have pasts, and you can't always take things at face value. Besides, it's not anybody's business what you do with your life, or your body, except your own. If you're ok with yourself, then that's all that matters. Don't push yourself to limits you're not comfortable with for anybody, because if you end up regretting it you may end up resenting them (or you) for it.

*You guys can you tie some cinder blocks to my feet, tape my hands together, knock me over the back of the head and throw me in the ocean?

I'll tie cinder blocks to your feet and tape your hands together but I'm not knocking you out and tossing you in the ocean like that. Maybe tickling you for hours until you pee your pants... but I want my Susie around, and not in a sleeping with the fishes sort of way.

*If you can't complete the full task as listed above, can you at least try one of the tasks?

In the words of the immortal Dread Pirate Roberts, "As you wish."

Would you?

2007-05-17T12:15:00.000-07:00

So Wednesday night I was minding my own business, listening to the Barenaked Ladies and hanging out in the dark in my room. Suddenly I was inspired to perform a social experiment, and here's the result:

Q: Would you be my Yoko Ono?

(Keep in mind here, that I'm not exactly specifying who I would be, just that you would be Yoko. For all you know, I could be her sister, her dog, her neighbor, or her pediatrician...)

A: (In chronological order, mildly witty commentary follows each.)

me: would you be my yoko ono?

Matt: hrm

tough decision

that means we'd be doin it, right?

I love how you can tell exactly what's on some guys minds all the time. Scratch that, I meant to say "all guys minds."

John: escueme?

me: oh, well hello there.

Would you be my Yoko Ono?

John: im [omitted to protect the intoxicated] so speak slowly please

me: Would you

be my

Yoko Ono?

John: you want me to drag your career into the dirt and profit from your death?

Even intoxicated, he doesnt have anything nice to say about Yoko. I bet she wouldn't have anything nice to say about him either, so I guess that's fair.

me: oh yeah...

so..

Would you be my Yoko Ono?

David: I thought you were Yoko Ono.

I'm the artist that's going to get shot.

For some, it seems death is a more common topic...

me: so, would you be my Yoko Ono?

Monica: sure i'll take the blame for breaking up your band

I wonder what else she'd take the blame for? Monica, will you be my scapegoat? Ok, ok I'll settle for road-trip-buddy. Let's go to Cheesecake Factory for lunch tomorrow... hehe.

me: so, would you be my Yoko Ono?

Rebecca: hrmmmmmmm

what are my other options?

I can't decide if Rebecca's answer is non-committal or just indecisive... Maybe if I wasn't so indecisive...

me: Would you be my Yoko Ono?

Scott: what?

why?

me: would you?

Scott: uhhhh

Scott: me confused

Scott requires more explanation. I can understand that, he's got a lot on his plate.

me: So...

Would you be my Yoko Ono?

Aaron: ?!

me: Would you?

Aaron: Perhaps. What exactly does this job entail?

Aaron doesn't want to give me a solid answer before he knows what he's getting himself into. That's a smart move...

me: Would you be my Yoko Ono?

Celeste: No

Yoko is evil

someone else though, most likely yes

I should put that in a card. "I would gladly be your someone else, most likely."

me: Would you be my Yoko Ono?

Heather: uh....

sure

i guess

but then everyone else will hate me..

Heather's worried about what everyone else will think of her, but she's willing to do it anyway. That takes some guts...

me: Would you be my Yoko Ono?

Chelsea: ?

me: would you?

Chelsea: umm... sure

I think I missed something here...

Chelsea's blind faith is reassuring. She would be my Yoko without me even really explaining what that means. That's totally hawt that she trusts me that much.

me: Would you be my Yoko Ono?

Cecily: hahaha

um...um...here's the thing...I have never looked up to her b/c she is helped in splitting the Beatles and honestly, I don't think I could sing like her...I don't do weird [omitted to protect the innocent] sounds well

me: haha

Cecily: why what's up Lennon?

me: who said i was lennon?

maybe im yoko's dentist

or her sister

Cecily: hahaha

well, you could be the son too

me: hehe

Cecily: but lets not go there...that 's an odd thought

Cecily apparently just doesn't want to be Yoko... or my sister, or my mother, or my patient.

me: Would you be my Yoko Ono?

Jennie: we quoting songs again?

me: ?

thats a valid question

Jennie: sure

me: btw props for being the only person to realize that's from a song

Jennie: did you ask everyone else?

me: yeah

lets try this again

Would you be my Yoko Ono?

Jennie: which song are you talking about tho?

me: thats up to you

Apparently, Jennie wanted all the details, but still never really answered my question...

::Edit:: Apparently I misunderstood Jennie and "sure" she would be my Yoko, not "sure" it was a valid question. Still, with the questions, jeeze, must you know everything?!

me: Hey Richard...

Richard: top of the morning to ya

me: Would you be my Yoko Ono?

Richard: Ok :)

And Richard was in a good mood and also trusts me enough to just be my Yoko with no further instructions. I think I'm going to give Richard and Chelsea some Yoko tasks later on this month, just because they said they'd be my Yoko and thats my Yoko's job...

Oh yeah, and I promised some compromising photos, but I've decided to hold off on those for a while, so stay tuned. Oh and also, anyone lurking out there, feel free to say hi. I promise not to file a restraining order, well not right away anyway.

Currently listening: Disc One: All Their Greatest Hits 1991-2001 By Barenaked Ladies

Release date: 13 November, 2001

I hear dumb people

2007-04-22T22:31:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it's time for me to bring up something that's been bothering me. Prepare for a rant, because that's what follows.

Why oh why do people have to make so many goddamned excuses all the time?

Sometimes I can understand it, things happen, even I have shitty days. But seriously people? Every freaking day for every damn thing that anybody brings up that you might have done wrong? Gimme a break. I'm sick of it.

And another thing. When you do something stupid, don't make your excuse up based on your identification with a certain group of people. All you're doing is calling every other person who fits into that group a total moron.

Example:

Girl: Oops, I accidentally stapled my hand to my desk again.

Me: WTF? You are so not office safe.

Girl: Tee hee, it's because I'm blonde.

So basically she just called every blonde on this planet an idiot. I happen to know quite a few blondes, some of whom I'd trust with my life in a heartbeat.

The same is true in any situation. I'm a Pollock for chrissakes, and you don't hear me running around blaming every mistake I make on being Polish do you? No, you don't. (And you could, we've all heard the stupid Pollock jokes.) Why is this? It's because I have respect for my Polish brethren, AND I take responsibility for my own actions.

It all boils down to this:

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS NO MATTER HOW STUPID THEY MAKE YOU LOOK.

I'm fucking sick and tired of the excuses people. Graduate from the third grade and enter the world of real life as an adult.

That is all.

Currently listening: Santi By The Academy Is...

Release date: 03 April, 2007