Friday, December 26, 2008

Sunday, November 30, 2008

I Can Fly

This one hit me hard:

I can fly.
I can shine even in the darkness.

I can love.
I am strong even on my own.



It's a call and answer. The part that matters now is that I am capable of being myself and knowing that the girl I am can fly on her own wings, shine bright in her darkest hour, love with all her being, and be strong when there is nothing left to lean on. I will be just fine.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Butterflies in Singapore

No, I haven't died.
Yeah, you could say I've been busy. Busy pretty much covers it.
Where was I in January? I hardly remember. Stuck somewhere between two glass walls, inches away from the rain but completely unable to feel it. As silly as it sounds, sometimes I feel like I just need to smash myself into the elements, press my hands into the earth, stand facing the sky in the rain, let the wind twist through my hair. I don't get much of that these days. I need more. I need to remind myself to get it.
You know that saying about a butterfly flapping its wings on one side of this earth, and causing a hurricane on the other side? The older I get the more true I think it is. A year ago this week, I was getting ready to go home for the first time in my life. This year, I'm trying to forget that I can't go.
It's not working.
So who is my butterfly? Really who isn't? Someone changed their mind about what was important to them. That change caused something that was important to me to lose its grasp on life. My long run of a good stable thing came to an end. I learned that this year. No matter how stable you think you may be, you aren't. Not at all. Everything you've built up balances precariously on so many factors you never even considered. Just one of them has to change and it's all over. I learned another thing this year. I learned that I'm really good at watching myself fall, and making sure I land on my feet, regardless of how scared I may be.
I bet you're wondering what I've been so busy with. Ok maybe you weren't, but I bet someone was.
At the end of January, I found out that the company I was working for decided not to go forward with any outbound marketing or sales initiatives. This was odd, considering I'd just been promoted to sales, and I was our only sales person. I became highly suspicious.
At the end of February I found out that I needed to start looking for a new job. Those of you who know me well know that the little blue birds in my veins would never have approved of such a thing. They didn't have much say in the matter, considering that they were dying. The job I felt like I could keep until I died was being tugged out from beneath my feet, thanks to a few bad business decisions and a declining economy. Thanks a lot, you butterflies you. So I started looking for a new job, and stopped believing in hard work getting me anywhere in the long-run. Apparently there is no long-run.
At the end of March I found out I had to find a new place to live. It's weird when you've lived under the same roof as another person for years only to find out that they are a raving psychotic liar at the last moment. Long story short, I had to find a new place to live, and I only had about 30 days to do so.
Come to find out, new places to live don't like it when you're applying for a new apartment but you are also aware that you're about to lose your job. I'm not a huge fan of lying, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.
So at the end of April I found somewhere to live. While it's not the greatest place I've ever occupied, it certainly isn't a spider hole in the middle of a desert, so I can't complain. The water is always on, not just at the whim of my landlord. I maintain the electricity, internet and cable tv. The walls don't randomly catch on fire in the middle of the night, and if I trip a circuit, I know where the breaker is. It's a little more expensive than I'd like, but these days that's about the norm if you want to live in California.
Oh also, it's in California, and the beach is less than five minutes away. Marine layer? Yes please, I'll take two.
So then in May I started my new job. It's weird, having a new job after so many years. I still hate being the new person, and I'm still really paranoid (thx UPS) when I'm not familiar with a company and its employees. I think I found a good place though, and the people seem to like me, so I hope I can make this work for a long time to come.
At the end of May a very important figure in my life died. He may not have thought he was important to me, his family may not have thought so either, but he was. The closest thing I ever had to a father as a child passed away on Memorial Day. He had a stroke while seated at his desk at work. He was 54 years old.
...
There isn't a whole lot I can say about this except that if you care about someone, you should tell them. Tell them often. People don't know these things unless you say them. Hints don't work. Feelings change, so keep telling them so they know you still mean it. It's difficult to tell someone that you care too often; it's really easy to not tell them often enough.
I've learned things about people too. I've learned that you can tell who your true friends are when the lure of a paycheck doesn't force you to spend time around them every day. I've learned that no matter how much you love someone, and try your best to show them, if doesn't really mean dick if they don't feel the same for you. I've learned that while feelings are endless, they still leave a big gaping hole when you pour them all out and you don't get much back in return. I've learned that the big empty space they leave does hurt. It hurts a lot. So much that I'm not sure if it's better to have that or to be alone.
I've learned that for everything I think I've learned, I don't really know anything.
And that's where I've been.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Up and Down and In and Out

Get your minds out of the gutter.

So I’ve been busy, and sick, and busy, and stressed, and sick, and emotional, and happy, and did I say busy? Somehow I found time to paint last week/weekend, and this is the result. I call this one Dusk:


I am still completely in love with this painting, which is odd. Usually by the time I’m done with a piece, I hate it. Also, this is THE FIRST TIME EVER that I’ve photographed a painting of mine and had the colors come out TRUE to the actual image. (I can’t even tell you how happy I am that all the silver didn’t come out gold this time.)

I got a new easel this weekend and some canvases that I tragically forgot at the store, so I can’t paint on them yet. I’m still looking forward to spewing forth more of my brainchildren, and I heard an interesting suggestion that paired with the trees outside my office has inspired me. Hopefully I can muster the guts to take some of these in to one of ye olde local coffee shoppes and beg some poor schmuck to hang them on the walls for a while.

Thoughts?

Thursday, February 14, 2008

AKA "Black Thursday"

Figured I'd take a moment on my break this morning and share some holiday joy with all of you.

First, this:



Awwwww. Gosh darn it, people like me.

Secondly, let's have us a discussion about the origins of "Valentine's day", courtesy of wikipedia:

The Lupercalia was a very ancient, possibly pre-Roman pastoral festival, observed on February 13 through February 15 to avert evil spirits and purify the city, releasing health and fertility. The Lupercalia was believed in antiquity to have some connection with the Ancient Greek festival of the Arcadian Lycaea (from Ancient Greek: ????? – lykos, "wolf", Latin lupus) and the worship of Lycaean Pan, the Greek equivalent to Faunus, as instituted by Evander.

The festival began with the sacrifice by the Luperci (or the flamen dialis) of two male goats and a dog. Next two patrician young Luperci were led to the altar, to be anointed on their foreheads with the sacrificial blood, which was wiped off the bloody knife with wool soaked in milk, after which they were expected to smile and laugh; the smearing of the forehead with blood probably refers to human sacrifice originally practised at the festival.

The sacrificial feast followed, after which the Luperci cut thongs from the skins of the victims, which were called Februa, dressed themselves in the skins of the sacrificed goats, in imitation of Lupercus, and ran round the walls of the old Palatine city, the line of which was marked with stones, with the thongs in their hands in two bands, striking the people who crowded near. Girls and young women would line up on their route to receive lashes from these whips. This was supposed to ensure fertility, prevent sterility in women and ease the pains of childbirth. This tradition itself may survive (Christianised, and shifted to Spring) in certain ritual Easter Monday whippings.

Tl;dr - Delicious, delicious bloody sacrificial goat skin whippings. Have a happy Thursday, kidbots.

Currently listening:
Desideratum
By Synaesthesia
Release date: 17 October, 1995

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Complaints

I think lately I've been reminded that if I maintain the right sort of attitude, I can actually find myself happy more often than not. I think a big part of this is largely dependent on my ability to eliminate upsetting behavior from my repetoire. With this discovery, I've decided to attempt to give up complaining.

I realized the other day that I really don't have all that much to complain about. Sure, I had a rough upbringing, but who didn't these days? Sure, I have problems and issues, and things that just don't go as I had hoped they would go, but who doesn't experience that? Time is limited. No matter how much I'd like to forget that and feel like I have an unlimited expanse of life and youth ahead of me, that's just not how things work. Why waste this precious commodity? I should recognize what makes me happy, and what I can do to try to stay that way. Enjoy what I can, while I can.

Moving forward. I often apply this when faced with a situation that is difficult to approach or somehow frightening. What can I do to move forward? What is the next step? If I stay busy trying to move forward, I won't have time to be stressed, worried, frightened, or otherwise incapacitated by my emotions. Why is it that I don't apply this to my every day life? I think I'll start. I need to figure out what I want, and what the next step is in order to get there. What's the worst that could happen? Maybe I'll fail, but at least I tried. I am the only person who can let myself be defeated, and I refuse to allow it.

I tried the other day at work, to motivate myself by creating steps to my day. This is what I need to complete, in this amount of time, to stay on track. When I break things down into tiny manageable parts they seem so much more reasonable, and somehow I get them done without even thinking about it. Maybe the same idea can be applied to much larger goals. Maybe I should decide what my larger goals are.

Maybe I already have.

And now for a little levity:

Image courtesy of Questionable Content

Currently listening:
Urban Angel
By Natalie Walker
Release date: 28 August, 2007

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