Sunday, April 22, 2007

I hear dumb people

Ok, so it's time for me to bring up something that's been bothering me. Prepare for a rant, because that's what follows.

Why oh why do people have to make so many goddamned excuses all the time?

Sometimes I can understand it, things happen, even I have shitty days. But seriously people? Every freaking day for every damn thing that anybody brings up that you might have done wrong? Gimme a break. I'm sick of it.

And another thing. When you do something stupid, don't make your excuse up based on your identification with a certain group of people. All you're doing is calling every other person who fits into that group a total moron.

Example:

Girl: Oops, I accidentally stapled my hand to my desk again.
Me: WTF? You are so not office safe.
Girl: Tee hee, it's because I'm blonde.

So basically she just called every blonde on this planet an idiot. I happen to know quite a few blondes, some of whom I'd trust with my life in a heartbeat.

The same is true in any situation. I'm a Pollock for chrissakes, and you don't hear me running around blaming every mistake I make on being Polish do you? No, you don't. (And you could, we've all heard the stupid Pollock jokes.) Why is this? It's because I have respect for my Polish brethren, AND I take responsibility for my own actions.

It all boils down to this:

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS NO MATTER HOW STUPID THEY MAKE YOU LOOK.

I'm fucking sick and tired of the excuses people. Graduate from the third grade and enter the world of real life as an adult.

That is all.

Currently listening: Santi By The Academy Is...
Release date: 03 April, 2007

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

My little secrets

I took a drive today after work. It's the same drive I took yesterday, only this time I made sure I was prepared and I brought my semi-functional camera.

Sometimes I drive to this place when I have things to think through, when I'm feeling any of a range of unpleasant emotions, or when I just need to see something beautiful to clear my head and refresh myself.

Today is only Tuesday and I already feel like this week needs to be over. I've never felt more stressed out and agitated at work, not since I still worked with that stupid stapler-chucking whorebaggy, Susan. I could attempt to tell you about all the things that have been bothering me, but this is not the place for it, so I'll refrain. For now just know, if you work with me, and I give you an instruction, you better make damn sure you follow it. My patience is wearing thin, and nobody wants to see the wrath of Tk fully unleashed. I repeat, nobody.

So anyway, back to de-stressing. I took many many pictures. The following are my favorites.

First, notice the city off in the distance. Second, know that it's San Luis Obispo.


This is one of a handful of my coveted sacred spots. If you ask and you are worthy, I'll tell you its secret code name.


A closer shot of this beautiful sanctuary: (Breaking my own rule here and posting a huge photo. Enjoy! [Or don't. But if you don't enjoy it you should probably eff the hell off.])


And last but certainly not least, my favorite (and most often seen) view (the second one is my favorite):




What do you do when you're stressing out? How do you not lose control? Or do you? How about your special places? What do they look like?

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Struck by the music again

There's a face I know too well. I see it every time I look in the mirror.

Just when I feel like I've got myself figured out, along comes some new feeling, and suddenly nothing makes sense anymore. I've been struggling with a few things lately. A few things that under normal (read: previous) conditions, I should be able to handle on my own. Yet I find myself completely unable to manage my feelings as I once could. At first, I figured this was a condition that would pass, but as time goes on, the frequency of these occurrences has only increased. Not only does this upset me, it has an effect on people who are important to me. It has what I feel is a negative effect. This above all else angers me to no end. I can't even describe how angry I am at myself for not being able to control my own emotions and their side effects. I used to be so good at containing myself, if not by skill, by necessity. Now when I feel like I could use it the most, my sense of self-containment has completely abandoned me.

All your mental armor drags me down. Nothing hurts like your mouth.

My mental armor. My mental armor and its mouth.

How is it that my own mind says the most hurtful things? Why is it that I feel like every situation I'm in is one that I can't react to correctly anymore?

I had this thought tonight while driving to the last of my secret spots that is still a secret to everyone who is not me. I know I have some severe issues with trust. I've been working on them but I think that the way I've been going about it is all wrong. It's not that I need to learn to let myself trust the people I love more, it's that I need to start trusting myself again. I said something the other day that was not true. I didn't know it at the time but now I do. I said I didn't think that I had ever trusted anyone other than myself completely, until now. The truth is, I haven't trusted myself completely since the first time I let someone hurt me. Maybe that's why I'm having so many issues with trust. I need to get back to the point where I'm self-confident enough to trust my own judgment, and then the little voices that tell me to doubt should be gone. That's what I think they are, they are the voice of my own distrust for myself, if that makes any sense.

Either way, easier said than done.

It's sickening how comforting the privacy of the mind can be.

How long can a person spend, trying to hide within the safety of their own mind before they can't ever leave it again? I feel like I've spent so much time with the privacy of my mind as my only safe retreat that it feels unsafe and scary to leave that sacred space and take a gamble on humanity again. I heard that time heals all wounds. Does that include wounds nobody can see but you?

I know for a fact that some of my issues will not be resolved solely with the improvement of my self-trust, but I think it's a good start to figure out which will, and which won't, and then try to move forward from there. Maybe now that I think I have myself figured out again, I'll be able to hold the same control I had before. I suppose, yet again, only time will tell.

On a completely unrelated note...

I visited a Mac store today. I know, Celeste, keep your panties on. I was strangely surprised to see that the Mac stores appear to cater to Canon fans. I approve. Also, there was a Wall o' Games which I was surprised to find, contained many of my favorite PC game titles. Granted, the wall was much smaller than the section of PC games at any local Best Buy/Circuit City, but I was surprised, none-the-less.

An important thing to point out here, for the Mac haters in my life:

I enjoyed the Lego store more than the Mac store.

An important thing to point out here, for the Mac lovers in my life:

I enjoyed the Mac store only slightly less than the Lego store.

And with that, I'm spent.


Currently listening: Eve 6 By Eve 6
Release date: 28 April, 1998

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