Wednesday, January 31, 2007

At least I didn't use the pocket knife this time

Guess what this is:



That's right, its my hair. Say your goodbyes, it won't be coming back...
Currently listening:
Bitter Tea
By The Fiery Furnaces
Release date: 18 April, 2006

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Dissatisfaction {the kind you can't fix with a Snickers bar}

I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I'm not sure that it would be possible to fit everything that could be said in response to that on one list. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (massive amounts of free brain time while running on the eliptical thing at the gym) and I think I am sure of a few things. The first, and most bothersome, is my overwhelming feeling of dissatisfaction. This feeling is both new and old, foreign but familiar. Allow me to explain.

There were times a while back when I felt very dissatisfied with my life, my situation, and many aspects of every day I lived through. I felt like the mouse on the wheel who lives each day just to breathe and eat and sleep and then follow the same path the next time the sun comes up. Like the point of living each day was to make sure you could live the next day, but things never changed. Never better, sometimes worse, always the same.

So I figured maybe something was wrong with me and the only way to find out what it was was to make some changes to that everyday routine. Make some big changes. So I did. I changed everything that I wasn't satisfied with and I've been much happier because of it.

Now it's been a while and things are ok, don't get me wrong. Something is wrong again, but I've got a pretty good idea what it is. It's something that has been wrong for a long, long time. As a matter of fact, and this is so lame that I'm ashamed to admit it, I'm feeling the crush of this and other things so hard this week that I just tried to induce sleep at 8:30 so that I wouldn't be sitting here by myself thinking anymore. I can't handle the rabid obssessing of my own brain sometimes.

"So what's wrong then?" you're all wondering. (Don't try to hide it, if you read this far you have to be wondering what the hell I'm talking about.)

I think I miss human contact. More than that, I think I crave contact with people that I can feel 100% comfortable being myself with. I've been spending more and more time with my mom and brother, and with Susie, and it feels like I've slipped into a different world where I can be myself again. A world where it doesn't matter what kind of stupid things drop out of my brain, or if I'm clumsy, or I don't feel like eating or sleeping at regular intervals.

With that comes something else I noticed. These people are all physical beings. What I mean by that is that they allow themselves to be physically close to each other. This is something I think I've been starved of for a long time and having it again is like a drug, I can't get enough. I remember days when I was a kid and my family would smash together, whether in a car or an elevator, on a couch or a chair, or for no reason at all, just to be affectionate and close to each other. For chrissakes, we called ourselves "the blob family" you can't get any closer than that.

I feel like I've been in this sterile world where it's not ok to hug your brother, and it's not ok to give your close girl-friend a kiss and a hug, and now that I don't live in that sterile world anymore, I don't want to be away from this physical world for one moment. It makes the nights alone in this twin bed difficult. I stuff one side with pillows (both to make sure I don't fall off and to make my bed feel more full) but pillows don't have arms or heartbeats to keep me stable, and I've been finding it harder and harder to sleep through the night. (Some nights I find it hard just to sleep at all.) Every morning I get up and wish that I could just spend some time sitting next to someone, or that someone would hold my hand for a while, or rest their head on my shoulder.

The next logical step for my hyperactive inner monologue is to figure out what I can do to make myself feel better about this. At first, I think I decided it was lack of intimacy that was making me have these human closeness cravings. I tested that theory but physical intimacy didn't leave me feeling any better. Now there's a different but similar situation I've been boggling over all week. I think I know what would make me feel better but I don't know if I have the guts to make an attempt on the plan my mind has devised. At this point I'm pretty sure that the worst part of all of this is just solitude, broken by little tastes of comfort.

On another note, I think the only other thing that's been missing in my life up to this point is a certain type of romance. Now stick with me here, I know what you're all expecting me to say about flowers and candy and cupids but that's not what I mean.

Have you ever noticed that some people have a distinct style of interacting with the opposite sex? Right down to the point where you could almost predict their actions like a metronome, back and forth with such regularity. For example, I know someone who seems to have the idea in their head that in order to endear yourself to the opposite sex, every time you see them (even if it's the third or twentieth time in the same day) you should compliment them on their appearence. You should also try to pay them as many compliments as possible, even if said compliments don't make any sense, or actually sound more like insults and require three times as long of a conversation to explain. Just like the boy who cried wolf, if you say it enough, it starts to sound insincere. However, it is nice to hear a sincere compliment once in a while, so add that to my list. More sincere compliments, less insincere ones.

Also, I am a little less than happy about this whole feminist movement killing chivalry. I would love it if someone who was interested took the time and initiative to call me up or email me and invite me out to some sort of activity (it doesn't even have to be solo or a date, just time spent, scheduled in advance) and we could have a good time, while getting to know each other, and possibly some of each others friends. Do people not do that anymore? It seems like all the single girls I know only spend time trolling the bars and honestly, I've never met anything at a bar that I would even consider taking home. Ok maybe once, and maybe I considered it, but I didn't end up deciding in it's favor.

Back on track, I'm wandering off on a tangent. So anyway, all I want is for someone to hold my hand. Someone to want me around, to sit or stand next to me in a crowd, to breathe on my neck and to hold me when I sleep. If it's just for a while I'm ok with that. Little tastes of comfort are all I've got to go on right now anyway.
Currently listening:
MTV Unplugged in New York
By Nirvana
Release date: 24 June, 2005

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

An ear, an apple, and a few quizzes {not surveys}

I still want to finish re-piercing my ear. I've brought this up before, and it's still true. I have two holes that have closed in the middle and I want them open again. I would have someone else do it but a) I'm scared they would screw up and I'd be dissatisfied with the results and b) I'd have to pay for it and if it wasn't right, I'd be doubly pissed about wasting the money.

So, here I sit with my apple, lighter, needle and two earrings at the ready... All I need is some ice and I'm good to go... Well, some ice and also some moxy. I chickened out one time before, even though this will be the fourth and fifth holes I've re-pierced on my own... I dono what my problem is.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for... (or dreading, take your pick) I found some interesting quizzes yesterday, so I'll give you the cliffs notes on some of them and post the others that you all probably could have told me the results of without seeing them first.

The cliffs notes go like this: My preppy name is apparently "Corcoran Pym Willoughby the Third, but most people know me as Coco." I'm a Blueberry martini who doesn't get along with Chocolate martinis but should be just fine with Orange ones. I belong in San Francisco because "People may dismiss you as a hippie but you're also progressive and interesting." (Good to know, I think I'm fine with being dismissed as a hippie.)

And here's the rest:

You scored as Eating Disorders. Congratulations! You have an eating disorder! You know what it's like to have "fat" eyelids and that there's exactly 58 calories in one medium-sized green apple. Western society has discarded your well-being for sickly, paper-thin models and celebrities; welcome to the club, sister.

Eating Disorders

83%

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

67%

Unipolar Depression

50%

Antisocial Personality Disorder

42%

Schizophrenia

33%

Borderline Personality Disorder

33%


I'm doomed... I guess I can be glad I'm not "jock" or "ghetto"

You scored as Emo.

Emo

80%

Geek

70%

Punk

70%

Gothic

40%

Preppy

20%

Jock

0%

Ghetto

0%


I actually didn't call this one, I thought it would come out as Rum or Whiskey since that's what I like to drink... but I'll take it...

You scored as absinthe. you are artistic and creative, but a little unstable. you are magical and can have dillusions, and are a little mysterious.

absinthe

83%

rum

79%

daiquaries

71%

midori

71%

vodka

67%

beer

63%

champagne

54%

whiskey

50%

wine

42%

bourbon

25%

Currently listening:
Neon Ballroom
By Silverchair
Release date: 16 March, 1999

Monday, January 22, 2007

Randomness

I know I promised that I would post something about a certain night out I had with some of the girls from work, but I'm just not feelin' it right now so it'll have to wait. I'm sorry, I swear it'll have its time. That time just isn't now.

What I am feelin' is some muddled sort of confusion. I figured maybe expressing myself with some cryptic madness here would make me feel level again, so more apologies are in order, since I doubt this will make any sense.

Did you ever notice that the exact moment when you think you have something figured out is also the most opportune moment for something else to blind-side you and completely destroy your sense of understanding? I seem to be hitting a lot of those bumps lately that jerk me free from my narrow path and toss me into the mouth of oblivion.

I think the answer my troubled mind has come up with this time is "routine." I think the best thing for me right now is to come up with a schedule that defines my life. It has to be more than that though, it has to be a schedule of things I enjoy (or at least only minimally dislike) otherwise I won't stick to it. For example: going to the gym. I sort of like going because when I leave I feel 100 times better about myself than I did when I got there. It makes my moments of willpower-weakness disappear when I can watch the machines have a nuclear meltdown and shut off because I've been exercising on them for too long. On the other hand, it is a bit scary when my knees buckle from over-use. I wonder if they will get stronger with the rest of me, I'm really starting to think it was all that extra weight that was making them weak in the first place. I guess only time will tell.

So I've decided to start going to the gym every weekday. Either before or after work (probably after as I seem to have a terminal case of tardiness lately ugh) for at least an hour every weekday. I mean, I still have a bit of weight to lose before I'm satisfied with myself (don't get me wrong, I feel better than ever lately, both mentally and physically) and August isn't really that far away when you look at it from the perspective of how many pounds you can safely lose in a week.

Scott proposed a race today. He wants to lose the same amount of weight as I do, but we can't seem to come up with a good fair way of measuring starts and finishes to make sure nobody is cheating. Not that either of us are cheaters, I think we're just both not big on leaving room for cheating... So we'll see how that turns out.

I'm still at odds with myself over what to do with my hair. I've only heard a few opinions from the masses so I still can't decide what to do. Basically I'm no longer satisfied with the cut and color so I want to do something to change one or both. I think this means giving myself another haircut and picking out a (or maybe more than one) box of fun from the color aisle and going nuts one of these weekends. The only thing is, I don't really know how to cut layers that work well with curls, and I don't feel like paying a hair care professional to make the adjustments for me.

It's a lot like the ear piercing thing. I refuse to pay a professional who might get it wrong. Then I'll be pissed cause I wasted the money when I could have gotten it wrong myself for free, or done it right for free. Which reminds me, I need to bring an apple home with me tomorrow, it's time for some holes to open back up. I need to be back to at least eight by the weekend.

On an unrelated note, I've decided I want a set of two small bongos (the attached to eachother kind) to bring with me to burning man. I think it'll make a good instrument for me to carry, and it'll reinforce my drumming skills so I don't feel so incompetent in front of people listening to me get percussive.

I think I need to draw more. I used to be able to just sit and let ideas flow out of my hand through a black pen but it seems like since I cut off that flow a while back, now that I want to use it again, my river of inspiration has run dry. Hopefully it's not gone forever and a little prodding can bring it back. I'll just be sure to spend more time with the pen in my hand.

And another thing, I haven't been writing a shred of anything lately. I used to write poetry and short stories and actually it was all probably lame crap but it made me feel good to write it so I think I'll start doing that again as well.

In conclusion, there is one other thing I wanted to release from my mental magnifying arena, I'll only put the cliffs notes here so don't feel bad if you're not sure what I'm talking about.

Regardless of what I let myself think I'm feeling, I'm pretty sure I do feel lonely sometimes. Not lonely like I'm longing for the company of any specific individual, just lonely like, it's weird to go to bed and wake up by myself all the time after not doing that for so long. It's only a select few days or nights that I wake up (or don't fall asleep) because of this and it seems to be more physical than anything. So is it this physical weirdness that draws me to canoodle with people I've only recently met? Maybe. (Even though it's not me initiating the canoodling, I really rarely do that. As a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever done that...) But what happens when my brain decides that it needs to be more attached to someone than I'd like it to be? It's like I've been tossed back into my high-school self and I'm completely clueless about what to do. Knowing me, I'll probably do nothing until it's nearly too late (or until it's way too late) and then brave!tk will make an appearance and try to save the day but instead I'll end up feeling like a total dork and be completely embarrassed when not even brave!tk's efforts make any difference.

And I don't know what my impetuous brain thinks it would be getting out of this whole deal. Where could any result of this possibly go? Why spend the time feeling so attached to the idea when the likelihood of anything emerging from this is so miniscule? But here I am, stuck, trying to talk myself out of something I never talked myself into, once again. My anthem for this process: Tragic by Justin Clayton.

Came on a wind, left on a breeze.
Forgotten with ease.
Throw me a line, once in a while.
Nothing to lose, Nothing to lose.

Tragic
Lovesick
Cheap trick

Tragic
Oil slick
Lunatic

Watching your life, and how does it feel, when nothing is real?
Smashing the dream, you silently scream.
You've lost your appeal.
Lost your appeal.

Tragic
Lovesick
Cheap trick

Tragic
Oil slick
Lunatic

I think you're all the same, but some things don't change.
Make believe bliss.
Blow me a kiss.
Missed by a mile.
What would you do?
What can I say?
Blew me away.

Tragic
Lovesick
Cheap trick

Tragic
Oil slick
Lunatic

My lovesick lunatic.
It's tragic.
Tragic
Currently listening:
A Fever You Can't Sweat Out
By Panic! At The Disco
Release date: 27 September, 2005

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Chinese take-out, cheesecake... Did Neo take the red pill, or the blue one?

Ah, this feels comfortable. I think it's about time for a rambling pile of junk with no purpose. Aren't you glad you stumbled by today?

Let's talk about things. Not just things, let's talk about everything.

So lately I've been sick. Understand that when I get sick, it's never routine. Before I realized how sick I was, I managed to further injure myself by blacking out in the shower. You can read all about that in my older blog posts. After that there was the great 21 hour sleep marathon, and other than my sleep schedule being completely off now, I think I'm actually pretty far on the mend.

Somewhere in the middle of all the sickness, I managed to find the time to have some fun and cheery times with Susie. It's ironic how our lives have taken this twisted journey and our paths have decided to cross again at such an appropriate time. I don't know what I'd do without my Susie.

I once made a list. I think after my mood on Saturday morning it's time for me to review and revise the list. You can all review it with me. (Keep in mind please that this list is in a completely random order, and I could never choose any one of these things to love more than any of the others.)

Things I Love:

1. The way that milk in my tea makes billowing cloudy patterns, no two of which are ever alike.

2. When something healthy that I cooked from scratch smells delicious, especially if it turns out to taste just as delicious as it smells. (Like this vegetable beef stew I just made, or the split pea soup I made the other day...)

3. When you're outside the moment it begins to rain, and the rain is so gentle and sparse that it kisses your face but doesn't soak you to the core.

4. How lightning brightens up the night sky like something much much larger than you just felt like taking your picture.

5. When you walk into a movie theatre and sit down in the perfect seat right as the lights dim.

6. When the first pomegranate of the season is bigger than your fist and just sweet-tart enough to make you pucker and smile at the same time.

7. When something I sewed together with no pattern, machine or measuring tape fits just as I intended.

8. When a movie that I thought was totally predictable completely surprises me with a twist I never could have made up on my own.

9. When a book makes me laugh out loud, or cry real tears.

10. When I'm walking along and the smell of star jasmine bushes or one of my favorite butterfly trees reminds me that there are beautiful things that occur in nature when everyone (and no one) is watching.

11. When I reach into my clean laundry bag and the first things that come out are one of my favorite shirts and a pair of matching socks.

12. When my phone makes that little ringing noise, and I find a text message or email from someone who feels the same way about me as I feel about them.

13. How I think I've never taken the picture I wanted, and when I check out my work later, I find a photo that's much better than I imagined.

14. How the most random things always turn up in my size at the thrift store. (like my super-cool never-been-used-before-me roller skates from 1984)

15. When I'm out having sushi and they have just what I want on special. (Especially if it's Octopus and it's super fresh mmmm...)

16. How even though my hair has multiple personalities, it usually turns out ok with minimal effort.

17. How even though I doubt myself, I can still do things I never thought I was capable of.

18. When I connect with another person, a friend (old or new) and feel rewarded just because I've been given the chance to know them in that moment, no matter how long or short the moment lasts.

19. When someone I know creates something so beautiful and unique that I feel humbled by their talent.

20. When I get to witness someone teach another person something that I taught them.

21. Monica.

22. How the converter on my laptop power cable keeps my feet warm in bed.

23. That daylight savings time always lands on my birthday weekend so that my birthday parties can be an hour longer.

24. How the internet makes it possible for me to snuggle up with a new book without leaving my chair/bed/window seat at the cafe.

25. How a good workout makes my muscles mad and my brain happy.

I'd like to make a few additions:

26. Susie.

27. Celeste, and all of her support from afar.

28. Cheesecake, but only if it's right after Chinese take-out.

29. New people with interesting perspectives, opinions, and things to teach me. Even better if they don't know that I'm learning from them.

30. A workplace free from 404s and other assorted a-holes and r-tards.

31. Dharma, and how even though I doubted she would have much in the way of personality, she shows me with little gestures and odd beaviors that she knows who her mama is.

In the immortal words of each and every bimbo on that one MTV dating game show, NEXT!

I measured Dharma today, she's grown over an inch since I last measured her, which was some day in early December. She's now very close to 15 inches long, and sooo beautiful. Her coloring still amazes me, I may never be able to look at her without awe in my heart. I can't believe that living things come in such a variety of amazing shades of color.

In other news, I noticed a subconscious habit I've developed. Now that I noticed it I suppose it won't be so subconscious anymore... I've been adding bracelets to my right hand in order to remind myself of milestones I've passed recently. I'm up to eight bracelets so that equals four milestones (they go on in pairs) and it seems that I pick the colors and styles of each bracelet to help me remember what it was that I overcame before putting each pair on. I won't get into detail about what each of these milestones was, because it's too personal for me to share here. This past weekend I added another pair, pink & black. They join my existing pairs, silver & white, blue & purple flowers, and white & clear with multi-colored glitter. Is it weird that my brain has been picking out these combinations on its own, and they perfectly correspond to the appropriate colors (from a magickal perspective) for what each of them represent? Maybe not. Maybe that's what your subconscious is for.

NEXT!

Hey Steve, I discovered a completely silly phobia that I have, and this is my challenge to all of you to find out what the clinical name for it is. I'm scared to be alone in a bathroom if the curtain is pulled closed over the shower. I don't think that I'm worried that someone else is in the bathroom with me, but I can't be comfortable in the bathroom alone if I haven't checked behind the curtain first. Is that weird?

NEXT!

I purchased something grand today. My ticket to BURNING MAN!!! I also bargained and pleaded with Scott until my vacation time got tentatively approved, so now there's no reason why I won't be going this year!! I absolutely can not wait.

I also started my first costume: Earth, the element. I guess I picked a sort of unconventional starting point, the accessories. I began work on a scarf, that even though it's only about 10 inches long so far, I really love. It looks a lot like grass with leaves scattered all over it, and it's turning out to be incredibly soft. The glass leaf beads look wonderful and I don't think I could possibly be more pleased with it.

NEXT!

What the hell is up with TV? I was flipping around the channels tonight and I accidentally discovered that Bo is really old now, but miraculously still being played by the same guy, who is still suffering from problems caused by the immortal Victor. I didn't wait around long enough to see what Marlena and Stefano were up to, and frankly I don't care, but it just makes me a little queasy that the things that tend to stand the test of time are all terrible. Like cockroaches, and soap operas, and Twinkies. What's with that? Why can't the wonderful things endure instead?

NEXT!

For all of you who enjoy hanging out with me during the week, I have to apologize. I don't think I'm going to be allowed to come out and play for at least the next three weeks on weeknights. My room is still in shambles and I can not stand coming home to this every night. It's really starting to take a toll on me, and I don't think I'll be out of this funk I've been in until I'm satisfied with my living quarters. So I apologize in advance, and Mr. Stupid Drunk can keep his money for now.

Speaking of Mr. Stupid Drunk...

I have some great pictures along with some witty commentary I'd like to post but t-mobile's picture website has been down all night so it'll have to wait until tomorrow.

Ok, I'm starting to get really sleepy so I'm gonna call it a night. Give me your weak, your tired, your huddled comments. I love to hear from you guys. :)
Currently listening:
The Black Parade
By My Chemical Romance
Release date: 24 October, 2006

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