There's a face I know too well. I see it every time I look in the mirror.
Just when I feel like I've got myself figured out, along comes some new feeling, and suddenly nothing makes sense anymore. I've been struggling with a few things lately. A few things that under normal (read: previous) conditions, I should be able to handle on my own. Yet I find myself completely unable to manage my feelings as I once could. At first, I figured this was a condition that would pass, but as time goes on, the frequency of these occurrences has only increased. Not only does this upset me, it has an effect on people who are important to me. It has what I feel is a negative effect. This above all else angers me to no end. I can't even describe how angry I am at myself for not being able to control my own emotions and their side effects. I used to be so good at containing myself, if not by skill, by necessity. Now when I feel like I could use it the most, my sense of self-containment has completely abandoned me.
All your mental armor drags me down. Nothing hurts like your mouth.
My mental armor. My mental armor and its mouth.
How is it that my own mind says the most hurtful things? Why is it that I feel like every situation I'm in is one that I can't react to correctly anymore?
I had this thought tonight while driving to the last of my secret spots that is still a secret to everyone who is not me. I know I have some severe issues with trust. I've been working on them but I think that the way I've been going about it is all wrong. It's not that I need to learn to let myself trust the people I love more, it's that I need to start trusting myself again. I said something the other day that was not true. I didn't know it at the time but now I do. I said I didn't think that I had ever trusted anyone other than myself completely, until now. The truth is, I haven't trusted myself completely since the first time I let someone hurt me. Maybe that's why I'm having so many issues with trust. I need to get back to the point where I'm self-confident enough to trust my own judgment, and then the little voices that tell me to doubt should be gone. That's what I think they are, they are the voice of my own distrust for myself, if that makes any sense.
Either way, easier said than done.
It's sickening how comforting the privacy of the mind can be.
How long can a person spend, trying to hide within the safety of their own mind before they can't ever leave it again? I feel like I've spent so much time with the privacy of my mind as my only safe retreat that it feels unsafe and scary to leave that sacred space and take a gamble on humanity again. I heard that time heals all wounds. Does that include wounds nobody can see but you?
I know for a fact that some of my issues will not be resolved solely with the improvement of my self-trust, but I think it's a good start to figure out which will, and which won't, and then try to move forward from there. Maybe now that I think I have myself figured out again, I'll be able to hold the same control I had before. I suppose, yet again, only time will tell.
On a completely unrelated note...
I visited a Mac store today. I know, Celeste, keep your panties on. I was strangely surprised to see that the Mac stores appear to cater to Canon fans. I approve. Also, there was a Wall o' Games which I was surprised to find, contained many of my favorite PC game titles. Granted, the wall was much smaller than the section of PC games at any local Best Buy/Circuit City, but I was surprised, none-the-less.
An important thing to point out here, for the Mac haters in my life:
I enjoyed the Lego store more than the Mac store.
An important thing to point out here, for the Mac lovers in my life:
I enjoyed the Mac store only slightly less than the Lego store.
And with that, I'm spent.
Currently listening: Eve 6 By Eve 6
Release date: 28 April, 1998