I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I'm not sure that it would be possible to fit everything that could be said in response to that on one list. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (massive amounts of free brain time while running on the eliptical thing at the gym) and I think I am sure of a few things. The first, and most bothersome, is my overwhelming feeling of dissatisfaction. This feeling is both new and old, foreign but familiar. Allow me to explain.
There were times a while back when I felt very dissatisfied with my life, my situation, and many aspects of every day I lived through. I felt like the mouse on the wheel who lives each day just to breathe and eat and sleep and then follow the same path the next time the sun comes up. Like the point of living each day was to make sure you could live the next day, but things never changed. Never better, sometimes worse, always the same.
So I figured maybe something was wrong with me and the only way to find out what it was was to make some changes to that everyday routine. Make some big changes. So I did. I changed everything that I wasn't satisfied with and I've been much happier because of it.
Now it's been a while and things are ok, don't get me wrong. Something is wrong again, but I've got a pretty good idea what it is. It's something that has been wrong for a long, long time. As a matter of fact, and this is so lame that I'm ashamed to admit it, I'm feeling the crush of this and other things so hard this week that I just tried to induce sleep at 8:30 so that I wouldn't be sitting here by myself thinking anymore. I can't handle the rabid obssessing of my own brain sometimes.
"So what's wrong then?" you're all wondering. (Don't try to hide it, if you read this far you have to be wondering what the hell I'm talking about.)
I think I miss human contact. More than that, I think I crave contact with people that I can feel 100% comfortable being myself with. I've been spending more and more time with my mom and brother, and with Susie, and it feels like I've slipped into a different world where I can be myself again. A world where it doesn't matter what kind of stupid things drop out of my brain, or if I'm clumsy, or I don't feel like eating or sleeping at regular intervals.
With that comes something else I noticed. These people are all physical beings. What I mean by that is that they allow themselves to be physically close to each other. This is something I think I've been starved of for a long time and having it again is like a drug, I can't get enough. I remember days when I was a kid and my family would smash together, whether in a car or an elevator, on a couch or a chair, or for no reason at all, just to be affectionate and close to each other. For chrissakes, we called ourselves "the blob family" you can't get any closer than that.
I feel like I've been in this sterile world where it's not ok to hug your brother, and it's not ok to give your close girl-friend a kiss and a hug, and now that I don't live in that sterile world anymore, I don't want to be away from this physical world for one moment. It makes the nights alone in this twin bed difficult. I stuff one side with pillows (both to make sure I don't fall off and to make my bed feel more full) but pillows don't have arms or heartbeats to keep me stable, and I've been finding it harder and harder to sleep through the night. (Some nights I find it hard just to sleep at all.) Every morning I get up and wish that I could just spend some time sitting next to someone, or that someone would hold my hand for a while, or rest their head on my shoulder.
The next logical step for my hyperactive inner monologue is to figure out what I can do to make myself feel better about this. At first, I think I decided it was lack of intimacy that was making me have these human closeness cravings. I tested that theory but physical intimacy didn't leave me feeling any better. Now there's a different but similar situation I've been boggling over all week. I think I know what would make me feel better but I don't know if I have the guts to make an attempt on the plan my mind has devised. At this point I'm pretty sure that the worst part of all of this is just solitude, broken by little tastes of comfort.
On another note, I think the only other thing that's been missing in my life up to this point is a certain type of romance. Now stick with me here, I know what you're all expecting me to say about flowers and candy and cupids but that's not what I mean.
Have you ever noticed that some people have a distinct style of interacting with the opposite sex? Right down to the point where you could almost predict their actions like a metronome, back and forth with such regularity. For example, I know someone who seems to have the idea in their head that in order to endear yourself to the opposite sex, every time you see them (even if it's the third or twentieth time in the same day) you should compliment them on their appearence. You should also try to pay them as many compliments as possible, even if said compliments don't make any sense, or actually sound more like insults and require three times as long of a conversation to explain. Just like the boy who cried wolf, if you say it enough, it starts to sound insincere. However, it is nice to hear a sincere compliment once in a while, so add that to my list. More sincere compliments, less insincere ones.
Also, I am a little less than happy about this whole feminist movement killing chivalry. I would love it if someone who was interested took the time and initiative to call me up or email me and invite me out to some sort of activity (it doesn't even have to be solo or a date, just time spent, scheduled in advance) and we could have a good time, while getting to know each other, and possibly some of each others friends. Do people not do that anymore? It seems like all the single girls I know only spend time trolling the bars and honestly, I've never met anything at a bar that I would even consider taking home. Ok maybe once, and maybe I considered it, but I didn't end up deciding in it's favor.
Back on track, I'm wandering off on a tangent. So anyway, all I want is for someone to hold my hand. Someone to want me around, to sit or stand next to me in a crowd, to breathe on my neck and to hold me when I sleep. If it's just for a while I'm ok with that. Little tastes of comfort are all I've got to go on right now anyway.